Everyday

Everyday I make up my mind to do certain things and they never happen.
I regularly, daily even make up my mind to go to bed at a reasonable hour tonight. That rarely happens.
I make up my mind to go for a run, nope that never happens either. I make up my mind to start doing at least one set of sit ups and push ups. Nope no way does that happen.
I make up my mind to do my homework, to study for the exam. Well this doesn't happen at all, and then in the exam I'm sitting there dying and feeling miserable because I know I had the time to learn the content. How I'm to lazy, I should be add up to more than this.
I make up my mind to do something about the misery and loneliness, this I decide can weight, or at least be postponed by worrying about all the other things I should be doing, well could be doing. Of course I'll probably just procrastinate. Waste my time, and continue to waste my life.
I know the solution to everything, It is get the hell of my ass and do something. It doesn't happen. Another day passes and nothing extraordinary happens. No memories are made, not lasting ones anyway. I'm to comfortable in this self inflicted misery. I used to wish for a natural disaster to make everything more exciting. It worked for a while, but I don't know if I will be lucky enough for another one to distract me. Perhaps a smaller scale disaster?
Perhaps not.
On Friday at the movies when I was watching Tomorrow When the War began I was thinking the whole time WOW. What an adventure. Not OMG there family, pets, friends, country has been taken over, they must be terrified. No I thought, that would be such an adventure. A perfect distraction from everything else. . .

Enjoy the Silence.

ARGHHHH!!!! I dont know, School! Argh its soooo boring! I thought Yah! Friends in my classes. . . It seems everyone feels like me. . . And Just is meh! The people I thought would want to sit with me just plain dont. I dont know why! I dont know how long I can cope! Its all so boring!!! I'm finding subjects hard, like english, People using words to discribe things that I have never heard before!!! Its REDICULOUS!!! and why's it all about Love?!?!

Also, I dont feel very energised at the moment. I just feel so drained, all the time. It sucks, I eat food and that doesnt help. I do things and they dont help! Its like a drained, starving yet not hungry, tired, and bored sort of feeling. My stomuch feels like its knotted all the time, like something bads going to happen. I sometimes dont even want to get out of bed, I dont think i can deal with everything. . . It's to much. I dont feel like im close to anyone really. Well thats a lie, I kind of do. I dont feel like they have time for me anymore. That they want to have that time. Should I need them too?

School is sosososososo boring at the moment. . . Iv been back for two days and i just want to explode in some classes. Would it be pathetic to have a mental health day after only two days back?

I know I'm not physically ill or anything. Cause somethings make me happy, feel normal. Thats whats wrong. I dont feel normal. I dont really feel anything. . . Well I feel somethings. Im not sure if i should feel those things though. Not allowed to... Those feelings arent wanted. Im desperate for something to make everything seem better... What should I do?I dont want to be at home, but I dont know who will do anything with me? If they'll want to! Home's boring. . . All there is MYYEARBOOK, FACEBOOK, BEBO, and MSN. Theres nothing really exciting. Theres they drums but I never feel motivated to go practise or play. They're just something else to do. . . They dont enthrill or inspire. . . I have books to read, sure they're interesting. Mainly I read them cause the people who lent me them want them back. They're not bad books or anything. They're great books! They're just very heavy. . . Involve alot of thought, effort. Thinking, and processing Idea's. I Like them I truely do though. . . What ever happened to happy endings though? And Why are they always at the end? Why cant something good happen at the start of one of the books?

I have goals. I have aims. Im not sure what the motives of them are. Is it for myself? Is it for someone else? Is it to impress someone? Im not sure.

Man I hate cats!!! Why cant they just leave me alone!?!?! AAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!

And I felt alone, on my balcony. . .

Well today has been one spent in near seclusion. My only company being a farting dog, a snuggly cat, and an old women telling me her life story.

I was asleep, and i was woken because my Dad needed phone numbers off his cellphone that he'd left in Christchurch. (He's at a comference in Auckland?) Then there was my Oma to talk to. I know her life story now! She moved to NZ from Germany after the war when she was 12. . . and im sure you care even less than i did. I wasnt really in the mood for it. I learned that my Granddad is even worse than i thought he was. Well according to his wife he is!

It was about 5 and i was wondering where everyone else was. Not having any sane human contact at all that day and none since about 2. I was feeling lonely. Well in they come through the door and i go to see whats up. Enquire why Mrs Bailey had rung. To be sworn at by my brother and witness him call my mother some not so nice words!

Well he's lost his computer now. Im very tired still. I should go to sleep earlier. Its hard to get to sleep when your minds as stir crazy as mine is with nothing working out right. Im sorry. My Life is a mess, like a four year old playing in a bath tub full of paint.

Why do I not get invited to meet up with anyone? I almost always free! Just a thought. . .

I Like you, Do you like me?
Lets get together have adventures it could lead to better days

And why is everyone so mean to everyone else? Why do people spread the past? Why would the care if they're your friend? Why would it be any of there business anyway?

Exams

Argh!!! I just did my Maths exams and i was overconfident. I thought id be doing great in them and i was until the last question on each paper! i was like ARGH!!! SO FRUSTRATING!!! I think i may have gotten E's on two off them. But i wanted to ace them to make sure i passed NCEA with Excellence. Now the only way i will pass the year with Excellence is if i aced Economic's, ace Accounting and get atleast on E in History tomorrow!!!

SO BIG!!! AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Basically if i miss one of the Excellences im aiming for i will only pass the year with Merit! AND TO ME THATS NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!! I wish i worked harder this year on the internals i had even though i only had like 9 i got E in 4 of them and Merit in 4 and achieved in one. I wish i put just a little bit more effort in those 4 i didnt get with E, even though the some of them were english which im not very good at! ARGH!!!

Im also annoyed that so many of the subjects we've done have been unit standards! They should be achievement standards!!! (Unit standards you can only pass or fail). Its annoying cause Science which im usually getting E's and M's in this year was only unit standards apart from one test (i got E in that). And Religious studies! WTH!!! All unit standards, basically copy awnsers straight from the book! Because of this stupid subject we got offered less topic's in some exams! i mean what the hell! It was a complete waste of 3 periods a week! 30 Periods a term, 100ish Periods! WHAT THE HELL! Great way to waste 100hrs of our lives! Gosh!

Argh, oh well i should be studying for history right now so im going to go do that. I need to get E in one of the things so iv got to learn dates, places, and names of people! AH!!!

Oh well i hope your all going well with your exams and arent as ready to explode as me!

Good bye! Powering off. . .

"Good bye! Powering off. . ."
This is what my phone said to me as i looked at it dispairingly. I dont know completly how to feel. I feel numb. It's a strange feeling. Sometimes i feel hurt, like now as i type this. Other times i feel happy like last night. :) Most the time now though i feel numb. I dont really feel like doing anything. And the stress from exams doesnt help!!! Im gonna go study tomorrow if i can get up in time. I need some early nights. . . Yes tomorrow a WHOLE day studying! doesnt that just sound dreadful? I think my brain will explode. But i really need to study maths and to study history. . .

Argh!!!

Im mega tired. . . so i hope i don't make to many errors.

What have i been up to you wonder?
Well iv spent two and a half days studying at my mummys work! Full days like 7-8hrs of hard studying. I have also done a english exam (went terribly i think :( ) and a economic's exam which was a walk in the park on a summers day, if i do say so my self! I have more exams coming up so im a bit stressed at the moment. I went to the Gym yesterday with Siobhan, and she was right it is fun! But i was smelly afterwards. She was wrong though about looking completly disgusting afterwards!

Whats going on in my life?
Lot's Exams, Relationships, tiredness! Exam's ARGH!!!! Relationships, meh!!! People can be painful, and it hurts :(. Some people are sad and thats no good. Others i dont know, its just wierd hanging with them. Maybe some of thats cause i feel so numb? Im not sure. I miss some things. The way they used to be. Even though there were many things wrong. I wish it could be fixed. I hate things that have happened.

Right now?
Im wishing i didnt send those last to txts. . . Im not sure if i can deal with the truth. Its going to hurt me. Heres the reply now. . . *deep breath* FUDGE. Yes well that wasnt what i expected. . . Nor was it what id hoped for though.

Im sooo tired. I might try and go to sleep. Good night peoples. Pray for better days! Pray for happiness, Pray for an end to all this confusion. Pray for People who you Love. Pray. . .

:)

First to be said goodbye too

Well Hello, reader.
Yes singular! Lol that's all i think anyway! :p Oh well i only have 3 peoples blogs that i follow.

Any way! the point of this blog! Im not happy at the moment. Obvious reasons, but one seems to be the way things are going around everyone. I dont know if its just me, but i feel like EVERYONE is saying hello to be last, and goodbye to me first. Maybe im just being crazy. But thats what it feels like. And being the last one to be replied to as well. I remember a time when i'd literally spring across the room when i got a txt, casue i hoped it'd be from someone and often it was. I liked to think the other person did the same. I still do that sometimes. Anyhow it could just be life at them moment thats making me feel like this; it could just be growing up; it could be exams.

Im tired and stressed. And i guess typing a blog at 20mins past 11 doesnt help at all if your tired. Im stressed about my friends. Im not happy; some of them are some of them are worse than me! and i can not understand why! Sure its all stressful at the moment. Sure we've got issues! We need to talk through them with people, sort them all out. Then we can smile and be happy! We can pretend to be happy but when it all explodes in our face, we dont feel happy anymore. We wont feel happy and we'll stop feeling happy. It's what i try'd to do. Ignore it; pretend it'd never happened; pretend it'd all changed. It worked for a night, a day, a few days. But i always. ALWAYS got slapped back into reality by a big fat ugly fish.

Oh well, a desperatly tired boy says many things! I miss my life up intil 2months ago, i miss my life up until about 14months ago. That was when it was the best. Before the brown stuff hit the fan so to say.

MEH!!!

HellO!

Well,
Today i helped my dad Dj at Puroa Street School (i think that's what its called) and man it was weird. It was Halloween theme of course it being weeny at the tonight. I was Dressed as a vampire, Dreadlocks and all! :P Man the kids there were mean! They just yelled and one girl said she was going to kick me in the butt! Oh the Violence! Just cause I didn't let her hold the end of the limbo stick. Which to be honest they were completely USE-less at! It made me laugh. I could've gone lower and i was like twice there height. So that made me laugh!

It was fun though, well bets sitting at home doing nothing! Except of all the requests that were made only one was an actual song! The rest were crap! Man proof that Hip-Hop is completely commercialised when Fendalton Kids are requesting them!

Well, now iv just had a large 2x Cheeseburger Combo from McDonalds so I now have no will to sleep for another hour! YAH!!!

Man im confused at the moment. Siobhan, doesnt tell me what im doing to annoy her for ages and i wish she would tell me sooner. Im sorry for being so annoying! But if i dnt know what im doing i can't stop! Surely you must see the wisdom in telling me these things Snugs?

Well yes tomorrow will be interesting! I dont know what might go down. Probly lots of things, I hope though that nothing to bad happens at the Sleep over. I hope people dont do stupid things, I hope I get awnsers. . . Iv been being told for half a week now that is were we'll discus things, so maybe there il get awnsers. . . Maybe everything can change, and we can fix things. MEH!

But who know's? I can only hope and Pray.

Life.

Life,

Whoa. It's wierd. You do something, you thought you wanted. And now its terrible. I dont want to make that mistake again. I do want to do it again. Just not like that. It just felt completely wrong. And im sure everyone knows what i mean. Even though only one person will know what im on about! :P

Im sorry.

My parents are acting really wierd. Since they heard that Siobhan and i have broken up. My Dad asked me awkward questions. . . Ones i dont have the awnsers to, ones i dont want to think about. Like "Does Siobhan have another Boyfriend?" and "Does she have lots a boys chasing her?" The awnsers, No, and most definatly. He seems to think im handling it very well. But he doesnt know bout the mistakes iv made, or the habits iv developed. He asked me if i was angry at Siobhan. I had thought i wasnt, but yes I am. Actually when i think about it. I'm hurt, and Angry. Theres things I did wrong, Theres things she did wrong. Im angry at the way it's worked out. Im angry at her for the way she treats me. I'm angry.

My Mum i think, is actually being quite horrible about it. I dont think she means to be. I think she's trying to be funny or something. But the comments she makes arent funny. I didnt really need her to tell me that if i ever needed a date i could take her. Wouldnt that be a disaster. . . And horrible. :P maybe some of the things she say's is funny!

I do feel hurt, i feel betrayed. People say wait and it'l work itself out. I want to, but i dont know. . . I'm not sure anymore. I used to be. Now im not sure, she said i scare her when im Angry. She scares me when she's angry.

I dont think she's allowed to be angry at me at the moment though. I didnt do anything to her, nothing like what she did do me. She broke up with me. NOT the other way around. So yes im angry. Maybe thats why it felt so wrong?

Just a thought. I do still want it to feel right again. Im confused. Conflicting feelings, Positive over negitive and confusion. This is Stupid. SO SO stupid. and know i wont type it three times. It looks kinda over dramatic. Although i still support three dots. . .

I can't stop doing everything i used to, but i can fight habits, i can break them. I will stop them. I wont be pathetic. I will hold on just not tightly. I dont need, i just want. I can survive without.

I do need my friends. I do need them. I do need my best friends. I do need my BBF. I would like my GF. But i do not need her. Man this is conflicting. . .

I hope nothing bad happens. I dont need anymore of this confusion. Unless its resolving sorta confusion... Which i guess is kinda awkward oxymoron kinda stuff. When i feel better i'l put pictures back on the page. Thank you to the people that'dv talked to me, through txt or, msn or, bebo messaging. :) I am listening and i appreciate the advice. and amazingly your all right, and your all saying the same thing. So here's to our plan.

P.S. if it goes to custurd i blame you.

P.P.S Im only joking!

MP3 Player

I just turned my MP3 player on these were the songs,
Spare me the details - the Offspring
"I'm not the one who messed up big time"
Want you Bad - the Offspring (this song makes me cry)
Bad Medicine - Bon Jovi
Figured You Out - Nickelback (the first half i like. . .)
Question - Goldfinger
Living on a Prayer - Bon Jovi
Dumb Reminders - No Use For a Name
There will be Revenge - No Use For a Name
Starlite - Young Hearts Attack
My Head - Goldfinger
Everlong - Foo Fighters
Behind Blue Eyes - The Who
If Only - Goldfinger
The Last Time - Goldfinger
Why Doesnt Anyone Like Me - No Use For a Name
Cherry Pie - Warrent
Love Sick Stumach Ache - Bowling For Soup

Good Night. . .

I'm Sorry.

I'm sorry im a jerk,

I'm sorry i get jealous,

I'm sorry that i hurt,

I just do,

and so im Sorry.

I'm sorry that you did those things,

I know you are to.

I can forgive you,

I just wish you were truthful when i asked,

I wish you told me the whole truth,

I wish you talked with me rather than everyone else,

I especially wish you didnt talk to them.

Please understand,

Im not totally amazing, :')

I only try,

I know your sorry so we can move on now,

I wish will all my soul that you have told me everything that matters,

And if theres more that you do when i ask you,

I pray for you every night, even when i dont know what i feel about God.

But your smile makes me believe.

It hurts lots,

But the good times make it worth it.

I am willing to do anything for you.

I hope you feel the same.
Please,

No more off this deception,

No more lies,

No more of this,

I Love you.

I Love you.

I Love you.

Back from camp.

Camp was awsome.
But this week has been hell. . .
I hate everything. I want to cry. I hurt. I'm lonely. I hate this.
FFFFFUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!

Somebody kill me.

And i had a bethany pulled on me. . . not a major one
but still

Kill me. NOW! If you loved me you would.

I FUCKING HATE THIS SHIT!!!

I was having a great week. missing Siobhan and every one else. On wednesday i got dumped. I managed to hold it together. But now im crashing. I had a question bugging me and i got a truthful awnser but its not the one i wanted.

FUCK!!!

I need someone to talk to. . . But i feel like i got nobody that'd understand. . .

I thought it was going so well. . . Sure it wasnt perfect but perfects only in movies.

I want to be horrible. I want to forgive. I want to kill. Somebody shot me. . .
I want to bet you up. I want you to hold me and tell me it was all a nightmare.

This is Life. It sucks. It sucks hard.

HELLOOO!!!!

Why hello there peoples!

How are you?

Im a bit annoyed,

For 1 i missed a free Elemeno P concert! Argh!!! Why wouldnt they send all there Chch fans a email bout a free concert in Victoria Square?!

My Dad txt me during History about it cause my Mum had driven past there and seen it/ heard it on the radio or something. So all i could say to that was bugger. Another thing thats annoying is CREATIVE WRITING!!! I dnt have very good skills of the English! If there is anything i may fail English is it. ARGHHHH!!!! I hate English! and our school has stripped down our english basically you fail one standard then you may not have enough credits to get into yr 12 english!!!

And to add to that my class is Cabbage! Half the class left the exam as soon as possible and most of them didnt even try all the exams. They dnt even try to learn they just go to talk. To prove it in one of the papers 6/30 people passed. 4/6 got MERIT!!! Meaning theres is quite a substantial difference in the intelligence of the class.

and People! Sometimes they'r stressful.

But thats another time!

Better Days

Little man got no plan, no strategy

Lives on the corner of circumstance and Wellesley

Caught in the middle of someone else's fairy tale

Sucks it in stumbles up, up to her he says

I like you, Do you like me?

Let's get together, have adventures, it could lead to something

I like you, Do you like me?

Let's get together, have adventures

It could lead to better days

It could lead to better days

Little man, little dreams, little destiny

His life's a plea that won't be heard by you or me

He's not the guy that gets the happy ending fairy tale

He looks up, sees the girl, goes to her he says

I like you (I like you)

Do you like me? (Do you like me?)

Let's get together have adventures it could lead to something

I like you (I like you)

Do you like me? (Do you like me?)

Let's get together, have adventures

It could lead to better days

We could lead to better days

It could lead to better days

We could lead to better days

I've been out in the desert

For much too long

Holding hands with the devil

It's a sad sad song

I'm at the end of my courage

And so far gone

So say goodbye to the darkness

So long

I like you (I like you)

And you like me (You like me)

Lets have adventures, it could lead to something

I like you (I like you)And you like me (You like me)

Lets have adventures, it could lead to something, hoping it will lead to better days

It could lead to better days

We could lead to better days

It could lead to better days

Help me out, Help me out, Help me out

Hey hey

Buhbye!!!