No more School

So today and yesterday were the wind up, well should it be down? days for school. I've spent thirteen years at the place, and I'm having mixed emotions. I must be suffering from indifference as at the moment, I feel like I should be more nostalgic. I feel like I should be more emotional about not spending anymore hours in class rooms. Not seeing teachers, or friends. It's odd. I had liked to think that Middleton had meant more to me? Perhaps it hasn't hit me? Perhaps I didn't feel like I was such a huge part of the "Middleton Family" that has been talked so much about?
I know the people I want to see, I will see. I will keep in contact we have made plans to hang out, to have adventures to go to Hamner and Akaroa. Well most of them anyway.
The people I don't want to see, and there are some it wasn't nice going to school with them, you wont be missed. I honestly think my life at least will be happier now that I don't have to sit in classes with you and listen to your idiotic babbling.
Schools over, just 4 3hour exams to go, a shit load of studying and I'll be ready for a holiday. Before opening the next chapter in my book. I have grown at MGS, and I think I have finished there, I'm not the prize winning student, or the raging socialite, the master mogul, or the massive hunk, but I have reached as far as high school can take me.
It scares me to think that here I am 18 and theirs only at most realistically 60ish more years. If I'm not struck by lightening. Theirs so much more to do, experience, new people to meet friends to make, places to explore, caches to find. So much I need to do to get there and what seems like such a short time to get there.
Every things gone so fast, first day at school, first field trip (Botanical Gardens where I forgot my lunch and had to eat the student teachers food), first best friend, first long term serious relationship, first break up, first exam. I'm over these first from school. I still want firsts though, call me greedy but I believe its time for some seconds, thirds! It's almost time for tertiary! (See what I did there, worked in a pun. Genius I know.)
The thing I'll miss the most, also the thing that was starting to annoy me the most was the safety. Safety in that there was a place I could go to be kept busy "learn", see people who cared, friends that wanted to hang all this and not have to enter the "real world". Where the wild things are, the wild people, the real life issues and horrors. From my safe haven of school I saw glimpses, heard stories, experienced second hand from those who'd found a window that the could jump through and experience that terrible, and adventurous place. Now I have to face it. That or box myself in, I don't like boxes. It's adventure time.

When im in the pit, Im going punch and kick!

Thanks for not moshing.
Well I'm a bit confused at the moment, i just came back from a leaders meeting. I had planned a blog out in my head before hand. Some stuff has happened in the life of one leader, and my personal friend and he doesnt think that our church is the right place for him right now. So thats sort of made my mind think, i didnt agree with his reasons. Its sad though, I'l miss not seeing him on sundays.

Also him leaving kinda makes me the oldest 'young person' at church and i alreadt feel sort of a sort of outsider cause im a bit older than the other young Ilam-ites.

Another totally unrelated thing to all this thats sort of messing with my mind, is how wierd everyone around me is acting, some people are just argh; I want to PUNCH there lights out some times!!! Cause the comments they make, or how they suddenly act, or the petty things they do (maybe i read in to much but if my idea is right man are they pathetic). I hate little people. . . And other people have acted weird today and they'v just been strange today. I must talk to them and try and piece together whats up in there mind!

Across the Universe

Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup they slip a while they pass the slip away across the universe,
Pools of sorrow, waves of joy, adrifting through my open mind, pocessing and curessing me.

[Jai Guru Deva]

Nothings gonna change my world,
Nothings gonna change my world,

Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes they call me on and on across the universe,
Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letterbox they tumble blindly as they make there way across the universe,

Nothings gonna change my world,
Nothings gonna change my world,
Nothings gonna change my world,
Nothings gonna change my world,
Nothings gonna change my world,
Nothings gonna change my world,
Nothings gonna change my world,
Nothings gonna change my world,

[Jai Guru Deva]
[Jai Guru Deva]
[Jai Guru Deva]

99% Cacao

I was thinking, if the awnsers not clear? Why? If its a maybe? Why not a yes? How can it be what you say it is when your actions contridict it? Why can someone be fine in your mind one minute, then after stewing over what they say and it all goes down the plug? Why do people do things? Say things? And then keep you at arms length, are they doing it for kicks? Do the understand the power they have?

Man if i wrote a book, i think High Fedality styles the way I'd go... Lots of thinking, saying stuff, but not. Good book btw. . . I think i might read it twice. . . I hope i never end up like Rob. . .

Im starting to think about things I say before I say them with everyone, this scares me. It means i get to consciously decide whether to lie or not. Like my Dad asked me today if i'd heard from the driving instructor, i knew I had. I decided to say no, because i didnt want to talk about it and cause dont really want to learn from the guy. . . Its scary, driving, and the instructors weird. . . I dont know, you know that vibe you get off some people and you just know its going to be awkward, and that theres no way you could be friends? And OMG the cars smells like old people. . . I had a shower last time just to get rid of the smell!!!

ARGH!!!

This weekend is going to suck! Driving lesson, Homework, Frisbee Golf (I know what the hell! and as far as i know only Jacobs going. . . im trying to contain all the excitement thats building up inside me. . . nope cant quite stand it. . .) Playing band in church which is just flipping stressful. . . and frustrating cause no one helps you set up the drumkit and its normally broken cause who ever put it away last time didnt do it properly! then iv got a free sunday afternoon. . . well maybe! Who knows? God knows!!!

Im so tired as well its 1/4 past 10 and my minds hit the fan, and i can barely sit up in my seat!

Pretty colours!

Enjoy the Silence.

ARGHHHH!!!! I dont know, School! Argh its soooo boring! I thought Yah! Friends in my classes. . . It seems everyone feels like me. . . And Just is meh! The people I thought would want to sit with me just plain dont. I dont know why! I dont know how long I can cope! Its all so boring!!! I'm finding subjects hard, like english, People using words to discribe things that I have never heard before!!! Its REDICULOUS!!! and why's it all about Love?!?!

Also, I dont feel very energised at the moment. I just feel so drained, all the time. It sucks, I eat food and that doesnt help. I do things and they dont help! Its like a drained, starving yet not hungry, tired, and bored sort of feeling. My stomuch feels like its knotted all the time, like something bads going to happen. I sometimes dont even want to get out of bed, I dont think i can deal with everything. . . It's to much. I dont feel like im close to anyone really. Well thats a lie, I kind of do. I dont feel like they have time for me anymore. That they want to have that time. Should I need them too?

School is sosososososo boring at the moment. . . Iv been back for two days and i just want to explode in some classes. Would it be pathetic to have a mental health day after only two days back?

I know I'm not physically ill or anything. Cause somethings make me happy, feel normal. Thats whats wrong. I dont feel normal. I dont really feel anything. . . Well I feel somethings. Im not sure if i should feel those things though. Not allowed to... Those feelings arent wanted. Im desperate for something to make everything seem better... What should I do?I dont want to be at home, but I dont know who will do anything with me? If they'll want to! Home's boring. . . All there is MYYEARBOOK, FACEBOOK, BEBO, and MSN. Theres nothing really exciting. Theres they drums but I never feel motivated to go practise or play. They're just something else to do. . . They dont enthrill or inspire. . . I have books to read, sure they're interesting. Mainly I read them cause the people who lent me them want them back. They're not bad books or anything. They're great books! They're just very heavy. . . Involve alot of thought, effort. Thinking, and processing Idea's. I Like them I truely do though. . . What ever happened to happy endings though? And Why are they always at the end? Why cant something good happen at the start of one of the books?

I have goals. I have aims. Im not sure what the motives of them are. Is it for myself? Is it for someone else? Is it to impress someone? Im not sure.

Man I hate cats!!! Why cant they just leave me alone!?!?! AAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!