Get used to your own Company.

A while ago I wrote a blog, about a quote I heard from a famous doctor. I said how it was sad that such a quote was said. The quote went something like "Get used to your own company, your going to spend alot of time with yourself." although don't quote me on that. At the time I thought it was one of the most depressing statements I'd ever heard. I couldn't believe that the doctor that wrote it also wrote one of my favourite childhood books about breakfast foods and eating on the move.Dr Seuss I though how could you have let me down like that?
Well over the last however long since that post I've been alone alot. I've been thinking about that statement. Not directly but under different headings. Like what should I do then? Why did I do that? My favourite is WTF did you say that you must've looked like a retard. All this has been while I've been alone which is a fair bit. My house is a little in the wop wops, so I have a minimum of half an hour driving a day where I'm alone, most days I have something else on so the driving times even longer. Or sitting in my room with my music going, pretending/avoiding doing homework and wasting my life away. I even started another campaign on Rome Total War. I only seem to do that when I'm really bored. It's depressing because you can never actually conquer everything, not with out more patience than I can muster. However back to the point.
You need to get used to your own company, I seem to have a mixed relationship with myself. You know how theres those things you like about yourself or the few things that boost your confidence, then theres things you don't like or sensitive about. One of those things was last week in the library a girl told me her friend liked me. I was shocked at the time, and because they were yr 7 it weirded me out a bit. However it was nice to be thought of even if that one girl was trying to embarrass her friend that I was good looking enough? to make the 12yr old blush.
As I said earlier the reflections on actions like why I did that, why'd you say that? Or you could do that. Are these the normal conversations one has in there head when there alone? Do people even have conversations in there head? cause then that'd imply two parties? Am I nuts? Or am i just getting used to my own company and forming my own quirky type relationship with me?
Ultimately am I used to being by myself? That's probably the worst thing for me about driving, all that freedom to go where I want. You just have to drive there, and theres no one to go with but me myself an I. Sometimes I cant stand me, or I, definitely not myself he's a bit of a douche.

15 Weeks

15 weeks of classes at MGS. After that I will have to choose what I do with my days. Decide a university, what jobs I try and get. Growing ups terrifying.

I remember a speech that I was given at a camp would have been end of Yr11. It was by this youth pastor, shit that speech scared me. It was make sure you have a plan, if you can. It was a warning to try and sort yourself out before school finishes. He said you need to know what your doing, because the year when after you've left school is according to him the hardest year you'll ever face. You'll find out who your real friends are, he said he found that he didn't really have any.

It scares me to think that next year that could be me. Well I don't think it will be, because I have people who I count as real friends, like Nick, Bob, Lawrence, Matt, Jacob, etc. But who knows when you don't see these people everyday what happens to your relationships? Will they still be there? When you spread out away from your high school and go all over the country to universities, polytech's, in search of careers. What happens then?

What happens if your in my boat and you're almost 18, a few months left to make a decision like what am I going to do next year? Or even scarier where am I going to do it? Sometime I wish my parents would tell me what I'm going to be when I'm growing up, like they have some sort of expectation. They want what I want. Me to get a good job and live a happy life.

How come thiers no way to find out what that is? I mean out of my subjects at school thiers none that excites me 100% of the time. A few of them have moments of excitement. Realistically, I cannot see myself doing anything with them 100% of the time. Economics that was my favourite subject in year 11's not anymore. It bores me, the things that made it interesting, the rules, understanding of society, the assumptions. Are now just tedious.

If I had to be honest I don't really enjoy any of my subjects at the moment, except PE, and that's just cause of the weights training program. Which is probably the only reason I really go to school at the moment, other than the fact I made a commitment at the beginning of the year and I'm going to keep it.

I hope that everything makes sense soon. I hope I can decide what I want to do, who I want to be.

When im in the pit, Im going punch and kick!

Thanks for not moshing.
Well I'm a bit confused at the moment, i just came back from a leaders meeting. I had planned a blog out in my head before hand. Some stuff has happened in the life of one leader, and my personal friend and he doesnt think that our church is the right place for him right now. So thats sort of made my mind think, i didnt agree with his reasons. Its sad though, I'l miss not seeing him on sundays.

Also him leaving kinda makes me the oldest 'young person' at church and i alreadt feel sort of a sort of outsider cause im a bit older than the other young Ilam-ites.

Another totally unrelated thing to all this thats sort of messing with my mind, is how wierd everyone around me is acting, some people are just argh; I want to PUNCH there lights out some times!!! Cause the comments they make, or how they suddenly act, or the petty things they do (maybe i read in to much but if my idea is right man are they pathetic). I hate little people. . . And other people have acted weird today and they'v just been strange today. I must talk to them and try and piece together whats up in there mind!

Across the Universe

Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup they slip a while they pass the slip away across the universe,
Pools of sorrow, waves of joy, adrifting through my open mind, pocessing and curessing me.

[Jai Guru Deva]

Nothings gonna change my world,
Nothings gonna change my world,

Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes they call me on and on across the universe,
Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letterbox they tumble blindly as they make there way across the universe,

Nothings gonna change my world,
Nothings gonna change my world,
Nothings gonna change my world,
Nothings gonna change my world,
Nothings gonna change my world,
Nothings gonna change my world,
Nothings gonna change my world,
Nothings gonna change my world,

[Jai Guru Deva]
[Jai Guru Deva]
[Jai Guru Deva]

Enjoy the Silence.

ARGHHHH!!!! I dont know, School! Argh its soooo boring! I thought Yah! Friends in my classes. . . It seems everyone feels like me. . . And Just is meh! The people I thought would want to sit with me just plain dont. I dont know why! I dont know how long I can cope! Its all so boring!!! I'm finding subjects hard, like english, People using words to discribe things that I have never heard before!!! Its REDICULOUS!!! and why's it all about Love?!?!

Also, I dont feel very energised at the moment. I just feel so drained, all the time. It sucks, I eat food and that doesnt help. I do things and they dont help! Its like a drained, starving yet not hungry, tired, and bored sort of feeling. My stomuch feels like its knotted all the time, like something bads going to happen. I sometimes dont even want to get out of bed, I dont think i can deal with everything. . . It's to much. I dont feel like im close to anyone really. Well thats a lie, I kind of do. I dont feel like they have time for me anymore. That they want to have that time. Should I need them too?

School is sosososososo boring at the moment. . . Iv been back for two days and i just want to explode in some classes. Would it be pathetic to have a mental health day after only two days back?

I know I'm not physically ill or anything. Cause somethings make me happy, feel normal. Thats whats wrong. I dont feel normal. I dont really feel anything. . . Well I feel somethings. Im not sure if i should feel those things though. Not allowed to... Those feelings arent wanted. Im desperate for something to make everything seem better... What should I do?I dont want to be at home, but I dont know who will do anything with me? If they'll want to! Home's boring. . . All there is MYYEARBOOK, FACEBOOK, BEBO, and MSN. Theres nothing really exciting. Theres they drums but I never feel motivated to go practise or play. They're just something else to do. . . They dont enthrill or inspire. . . I have books to read, sure they're interesting. Mainly I read them cause the people who lent me them want them back. They're not bad books or anything. They're great books! They're just very heavy. . . Involve alot of thought, effort. Thinking, and processing Idea's. I Like them I truely do though. . . What ever happened to happy endings though? And Why are they always at the end? Why cant something good happen at the start of one of the books?

I have goals. I have aims. Im not sure what the motives of them are. Is it for myself? Is it for someone else? Is it to impress someone? Im not sure.

Man I hate cats!!! Why cant they just leave me alone!?!?! AAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Bizarre Dream

It's Monday the 5th, Schools back. I stumble out of bed un able to check the time because of a power cut that messed up all our alarms. Slowly and difficultly i squeeze on an old uniform many years had past since i had comfortably fit it but oh well, scool starts soon. With a uniform on i wobbled out the door down the road. Street after street down the side of the motor way. All the way to the over bridge.
"Wake up Sam" say's a voice. My brain is slowly brought into concouisness.
"Where am I?"
"You're at the motorway over bridge before bleniem road!" replies the voice thats growing in familularity. . .
Suddenly i jerk into wakefullness. "WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING HERE JONNY?"
"I was gonna ask you the same question," awnsers a confused Jonny Herrick. "I've been following you for 10 minutes calling out to you trying to catch up! When i got here it was obvious that you were sleep walking."
"WHAT?!" I exclaimed, "I dont sleep walk"
"You just did" states Jonny.

All of a sudden people start appearing from all directions, Jonny Kwant appears and sits on a park bench. Rosie V say's "Hi" and joins him along with her little sister. Roseanna sits down next to them. This is wierd i think as even more people i know just appear, queitly and gather. My Dad, with members of my soccer team from 3 years ago arrives. This is way to bizarre!

I decide i should tell my Dad whats happened, so i tell him that i sleep walked here until Jonny Herrick woke me and i thought it was school. He laughed! My own father laughed at me! "School?! That doesn't start for another three weeks Sam!"
"I know. . . " was all i could reply, i felt ashamed. . . All of a sudden i didnt care i saw the halirious side of this coincidence and started telling everone i knew! I walked to a McDonalds/Bus stop and ate a cheese burger and stated to everyone who had gathered that i was going to pennylane! About two dozen people i recognised but now had no idea who they were all replied simultaneously "So are we!!!" . . .

And then i woke up. Bizarre dream? What do you reckon? please comment.