Didn't feel any guilt.

I have come to the conclusion that I am deluded. I have been living in a dream world for a long time now. Its taken me a while to realise, and I'm still not really coming to terms with it, but every things changed. It's time for me to admit that and stop living in a fantasy land, nothing happens the way you expect it to, and I can be as optimistic as I want, be prepared for the best when really I should prepare for the worst. Things will not happen as I want, hints will not be understood, crazy dreams of everything being fixed. The whole boy at the airport or flying around the world to talk to the girl he left and realised he loved, tween romance cliche. I must except the change, move on, grow up.

I used to be terrified of change, the truth was is I was to happy being safe. I didn't want to try new things, meet new people. I was Sam, a safe little boy, I thought safe was good, it was fine, boring. I hated being boring, but it was bare able because I was safe, as long as I was boring there was very little that could hurt me. I was safe in a very small world, my world is still small, and safe but I do strongly believe that this has to change. In my safe world I experienced little, few things that are worth repeating, no adventures. Safe is the old me, the scared me.

My life has been littered with incidences lately where I have planned to do something, something huge, and something has come and blocked my path. An example of this was when I was 100% sure about doing something that was completely new and terrified me, would have involved me doing something that could of potentially hurt some people or myself. He closed the door for a while, giving me time to reflect on it more before I try to do it. Its funny when I think about it. God has a sence of humour, he mixes things around, and forces you to choose new paths. One example is when that a few times in the last week i have gone to make one decision like yes this is what I will do, and immediately after I have committed myself something else arises. Its quite funny for me, he's getting me to do things I was to scared to do. Like next week I'm meeting with my pastor to talk about me taking sunday school for 8-10 year olds, which was something that I had wanted to do but had made lame excuses for not volinteerting. I guess you could call it a Jona situation.

Ever head the expression rules are made to be broken? I do not live by that phrase, its time I believe. I have my morals, I hope they wont break they're strong enough I hope. Today I recognise that my safe world its over, I must enter the real world.

Some rules are made to be broken some are to be bent. Life isn't fare and people get hurt, but its all the way the world works. It's time to become a more exciting person. I am going to be making some changes. No more living in my own world. If you want to help me escape, invite me to experience your world, I want to be more open, adventurous. Help me to expand my world.

Enjoy the Silence.

ARGHHHH!!!! I dont know, School! Argh its soooo boring! I thought Yah! Friends in my classes. . . It seems everyone feels like me. . . And Just is meh! The people I thought would want to sit with me just plain dont. I dont know why! I dont know how long I can cope! Its all so boring!!! I'm finding subjects hard, like english, People using words to discribe things that I have never heard before!!! Its REDICULOUS!!! and why's it all about Love?!?!

Also, I dont feel very energised at the moment. I just feel so drained, all the time. It sucks, I eat food and that doesnt help. I do things and they dont help! Its like a drained, starving yet not hungry, tired, and bored sort of feeling. My stomuch feels like its knotted all the time, like something bads going to happen. I sometimes dont even want to get out of bed, I dont think i can deal with everything. . . It's to much. I dont feel like im close to anyone really. Well thats a lie, I kind of do. I dont feel like they have time for me anymore. That they want to have that time. Should I need them too?

School is sosososososo boring at the moment. . . Iv been back for two days and i just want to explode in some classes. Would it be pathetic to have a mental health day after only two days back?

I know I'm not physically ill or anything. Cause somethings make me happy, feel normal. Thats whats wrong. I dont feel normal. I dont really feel anything. . . Well I feel somethings. Im not sure if i should feel those things though. Not allowed to... Those feelings arent wanted. Im desperate for something to make everything seem better... What should I do?I dont want to be at home, but I dont know who will do anything with me? If they'll want to! Home's boring. . . All there is MYYEARBOOK, FACEBOOK, BEBO, and MSN. Theres nothing really exciting. Theres they drums but I never feel motivated to go practise or play. They're just something else to do. . . They dont enthrill or inspire. . . I have books to read, sure they're interesting. Mainly I read them cause the people who lent me them want them back. They're not bad books or anything. They're great books! They're just very heavy. . . Involve alot of thought, effort. Thinking, and processing Idea's. I Like them I truely do though. . . What ever happened to happy endings though? And Why are they always at the end? Why cant something good happen at the start of one of the books?

I have goals. I have aims. Im not sure what the motives of them are. Is it for myself? Is it for someone else? Is it to impress someone? Im not sure.

Man I hate cats!!! Why cant they just leave me alone!?!?! AAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Bizarre Dream

It's Monday the 5th, Schools back. I stumble out of bed un able to check the time because of a power cut that messed up all our alarms. Slowly and difficultly i squeeze on an old uniform many years had past since i had comfortably fit it but oh well, scool starts soon. With a uniform on i wobbled out the door down the road. Street after street down the side of the motor way. All the way to the over bridge.
"Wake up Sam" say's a voice. My brain is slowly brought into concouisness.
"Where am I?"
"You're at the motorway over bridge before bleniem road!" replies the voice thats growing in familularity. . .
Suddenly i jerk into wakefullness. "WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING HERE JONNY?"
"I was gonna ask you the same question," awnsers a confused Jonny Herrick. "I've been following you for 10 minutes calling out to you trying to catch up! When i got here it was obvious that you were sleep walking."
"WHAT?!" I exclaimed, "I dont sleep walk"
"You just did" states Jonny.

All of a sudden people start appearing from all directions, Jonny Kwant appears and sits on a park bench. Rosie V say's "Hi" and joins him along with her little sister. Roseanna sits down next to them. This is wierd i think as even more people i know just appear, queitly and gather. My Dad, with members of my soccer team from 3 years ago arrives. This is way to bizarre!

I decide i should tell my Dad whats happened, so i tell him that i sleep walked here until Jonny Herrick woke me and i thought it was school. He laughed! My own father laughed at me! "School?! That doesn't start for another three weeks Sam!"
"I know. . . " was all i could reply, i felt ashamed. . . All of a sudden i didnt care i saw the halirious side of this coincidence and started telling everone i knew! I walked to a McDonalds/Bus stop and ate a cheese burger and stated to everyone who had gathered that i was going to pennylane! About two dozen people i recognised but now had no idea who they were all replied simultaneously "So are we!!!" . . .

And then i woke up. Bizarre dream? What do you reckon? please comment.