Didn't feel any guilt.

I have come to the conclusion that I am deluded. I have been living in a dream world for a long time now. Its taken me a while to realise, and I'm still not really coming to terms with it, but every things changed. It's time for me to admit that and stop living in a fantasy land, nothing happens the way you expect it to, and I can be as optimistic as I want, be prepared for the best when really I should prepare for the worst. Things will not happen as I want, hints will not be understood, crazy dreams of everything being fixed. The whole boy at the airport or flying around the world to talk to the girl he left and realised he loved, tween romance cliche. I must except the change, move on, grow up.

I used to be terrified of change, the truth was is I was to happy being safe. I didn't want to try new things, meet new people. I was Sam, a safe little boy, I thought safe was good, it was fine, boring. I hated being boring, but it was bare able because I was safe, as long as I was boring there was very little that could hurt me. I was safe in a very small world, my world is still small, and safe but I do strongly believe that this has to change. In my safe world I experienced little, few things that are worth repeating, no adventures. Safe is the old me, the scared me.

My life has been littered with incidences lately where I have planned to do something, something huge, and something has come and blocked my path. An example of this was when I was 100% sure about doing something that was completely new and terrified me, would have involved me doing something that could of potentially hurt some people or myself. He closed the door for a while, giving me time to reflect on it more before I try to do it. Its funny when I think about it. God has a sence of humour, he mixes things around, and forces you to choose new paths. One example is when that a few times in the last week i have gone to make one decision like yes this is what I will do, and immediately after I have committed myself something else arises. Its quite funny for me, he's getting me to do things I was to scared to do. Like next week I'm meeting with my pastor to talk about me taking sunday school for 8-10 year olds, which was something that I had wanted to do but had made lame excuses for not volinteerting. I guess you could call it a Jona situation.

Ever head the expression rules are made to be broken? I do not live by that phrase, its time I believe. I have my morals, I hope they wont break they're strong enough I hope. Today I recognise that my safe world its over, I must enter the real world.

Some rules are made to be broken some are to be bent. Life isn't fare and people get hurt, but its all the way the world works. It's time to become a more exciting person. I am going to be making some changes. No more living in my own world. If you want to help me escape, invite me to experience your world, I want to be more open, adventurous. Help me to expand my world.

Let's take it all away

So last night I watched, Star Wars episodes I, II, & III with some mates.

Then we watched a ridiculous movie called mist at 3.30am. It was a horror. Well it was a 'Lol'or one of those movies that seems really scary until you see the monster/creature/murderer and you just go LOL! This is so fake! This happened at the point of the movie when a giant tentacle comes under a garage door and starts trying to drag someone off. At that point we were all like. WHAT! This is to ridiculous. Most of us fell asleep rather than watching this ridiculous movie! Which was fair enough as it was 4am, and we'd been watching movies since 6.00!

I'd never realised how much effort it is to watch 3 star wars one after another. Don't miss understand me I Love star wars, I have a star wars duvey and pillow case. Its the time! Each movie is 2 & 1/2hrs long! One after another = Late night. I have to admit I feel asleep for a bit in episode 2, during the epic battle scenes. But after a glass of coke I was ready to watch the next one. (I'm really pathetic on caffine 1 softdrink = 3hrs until I can get to sleep!). I spent the entire movie arguing in my head, getting angry at ObiWan and Anikin. I knew how the movie ended, but I felt myself erging them to do something different so that the could save the universe from the sith!

In episode 2 what if ObiWan Had believed Count Dooku when he told him that the Sith were in the senate and the Jedi council had acted? What if Anikin had been a better Jedi, chosen the code over Padma and then she wouldnt have died! What if Mace Windoo had kept to the code and taken the Grand Counciller prisoner with Anikin? Or Trusted Anikin and let him come along with him as he arrested him? What if Anakin had choosen to spare the younglins? All these what ifs! How there universe would have been different. The difference it would have made to millions.

It got me thinking, what decisions do I make that effect others? What if at one time if I'd said one thing instead of another. It got me thinking or turning points, points in my life where I made a clear decision that could have gone the other way, and what could of happened. Times when I should of acted and didn't. I wish my life was a choose your own adventure book. Where I could go back to certain pages and try again, try to get a different outcome.

Its not, My life is a regular book, blank on the next page and all I can do is draft ideas of my future and keep writing. Keep turning the pages. My life is different from the movie because I have that power to draft. I don't know the ending I can choose some of whats happening right now. I'm not helpless. I have some control over my book. This is exciting! I can influence my own ending! Of course My ending most likely wont cause the universe to fall into the control of a completely evil man, or even any point in my story. I can keep the pages turning and make each chapter more exciting than the last, look after old friends, make new ones and keep writing the book of my life.