Theme Thursday - Triangle

When I was five, my school had a nativity play. I had wanted so badly to play the triangle. It had been my instrument of choice all through kindergarten. Every music time I would wrestle to get my triangle, I thought I was amazing at it. When my nativity play had come along, the day where everyone got there instruments went by, and that was my first sick day. It was also my first field trip. I missed out on too major things that day!

I hadn't really cared to much about the field trip it was to a car museum, I wasn't a car kid. I was a train kid. Thomas was what I had for everything. I had enough track to go all the way around the couch in the lounge!

What really got me upset was the next day when I was feeling better and we had the first nativity play practice. I turned up, when I heard what was going on I went straight for the triangle! Was I upset when Miss Martin told me that the triangle was being played by my class room Nemesis, Christian. I disliked that kid as much as I disliked Jaden from Kindergarten who always pulled my hair, as far as I can remember he did nothing to deserve my dislike. That was over 12 years ago, and five year olds aren't renowned for having Nemesis' for legitimate reasons.

I remember crying at morning tea time, for ages. My teacher came out to check on me and brought me a new instrument one I'd never seen before. She said she'd saved me the most important Job in the whole room 1 orchestra! I was excited, I had no idea how to use my new instrument though. Gently she explained, you use it like this and she showed me. It became immediately obvious what my task was! I was to be the donkeys feet noise. Joyously I practiced, clip, clop, clip, clop. I was brilliant. Donkey's have never, and never will walk with that much enthusiasm and bad rhythm.

I don't remember much about the nativity play, except me playing the clip clop on the donkeys for the one scene. Their were other donkey walkers for the other scenes. I remember one of the angels int the choir got a bleeding nose. Not good in a white dress, or in the middle of a primary school nativity play. It's odd the small things we remember when we think about it.

Self Control

Well the idea of no contact is wasted on me. I can do everything in my power, delete facebook, msn formspring, be un-halved on bebo so many things.

This no contact thing is impossible. When you're with someone for 3years everything you have reminds you of them. I'm listening to new music that's untainted for now until these feelings of attachment disperse. Trying to keep busy, Ceroc to nights a week, football twice a week, Canoe Polo, really getting into my weights training programme, youth group trying to step up into more responsibility, taking on a class at my churches Sunday school.

I can make my self as busy as possible but I still find myself furiously checking her blog manually now cause I'm forcing myself not to follow it. After three years, you know things like email address, blogs, phone numbers, (well not cellphone cause your in my contacts and I suck with numbers usually). I see every update and have my heart jump a beat with different things. I'm wasting my time. She has moved on. Tonight the last blog I'm going to read of hers for a while. Was about no more what ifs. She was talking about possible relationships. She was all about the what if I had done this differently would he be something different to me now? These things do not help me I do not need them in my life so I need more self control. I need to move on with my life.

I want to be someone who when they meet someone they are friends, build a strong relationship one that could last if both party's put in the effort. That's what we had before we both let it slide and stop working. I want to find someone that thinks, yes he's worth the effort, I want to think yes she's worth the effort. What ifs are stupid. I don't want what ifs in my life. I want my life to be mine, and one day with the right person maybe I'll share it.

I am going to try harder to forget the feelings I have for her. To her I am no longer a what if. No more what if her came to my house and apologise said leaving me was a mistake. I don't want to see her driving to my house in every white car I pass on the way to anywhere. I don't need that at the moment if its only in my head.

Maybe one day she will wake up and think where is Sam? What is he doing now? Or she'll meet me when I'm Doctoring (today's chosen profession for me) and think what would my life be if I had stayed with him? Maybe one day sooner than that even.

What if? I cannot control what ifs. God has a plan for me.

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

To be honest I would like to be a what if in her life. I should be trying to change that. The only advice my parents can give me is time heals all things. Keep busy, eventually you'll be normal again, theres someone out there for you. Perhaps there is? Think Gotta be somebody by Nickleback. Right now theres no one for me; Theres the person my heart wants but that persons heart has lead them away.
Perhaps best friends, we can be soon? My offers for watching football and helping you with your course still stand. I hope we'll be alright soon. I miss your company the most. Be aware my friend that my no contact thing that I'm failing at is only for me contacting you. So if you need me, want me, wish I was there then I will be. You know you were more than just a girlfriend to me. In fact that was probably the least you were to me.

Repeats

Do you ever read something, and then have to read it again, and again, and again. Just in an attempt to understand it?
I do, it's not the understand like i don't get what its saying, its the struggling to know what it means; and what that could mean to you.
Lately I have been a bit fragile, someone told me to day i was acting insane, which i told them was bit harsh. I settled for crazy. As this has happened to me I'm constantly reading things or seeing pictures, that make me flip out somewhat. I wonder what it could all mean, I read into it a lot, I lose myself into fantastic fantasies or lunatic nightmares. Its odd. I don't know if its lack of sleep. The fact that I haven't really had an appetite in like a week or something else entirely.

WHOA! Music on shuffle and I have found my song for the week; Track 4, on a Hangover You Don't Deserve. Listen to it if you work out what it is ;)

Didn't feel any guilt.

I have come to the conclusion that I am deluded. I have been living in a dream world for a long time now. Its taken me a while to realise, and I'm still not really coming to terms with it, but every things changed. It's time for me to admit that and stop living in a fantasy land, nothing happens the way you expect it to, and I can be as optimistic as I want, be prepared for the best when really I should prepare for the worst. Things will not happen as I want, hints will not be understood, crazy dreams of everything being fixed. The whole boy at the airport or flying around the world to talk to the girl he left and realised he loved, tween romance cliche. I must except the change, move on, grow up.

I used to be terrified of change, the truth was is I was to happy being safe. I didn't want to try new things, meet new people. I was Sam, a safe little boy, I thought safe was good, it was fine, boring. I hated being boring, but it was bare able because I was safe, as long as I was boring there was very little that could hurt me. I was safe in a very small world, my world is still small, and safe but I do strongly believe that this has to change. In my safe world I experienced little, few things that are worth repeating, no adventures. Safe is the old me, the scared me.

My life has been littered with incidences lately where I have planned to do something, something huge, and something has come and blocked my path. An example of this was when I was 100% sure about doing something that was completely new and terrified me, would have involved me doing something that could of potentially hurt some people or myself. He closed the door for a while, giving me time to reflect on it more before I try to do it. Its funny when I think about it. God has a sence of humour, he mixes things around, and forces you to choose new paths. One example is when that a few times in the last week i have gone to make one decision like yes this is what I will do, and immediately after I have committed myself something else arises. Its quite funny for me, he's getting me to do things I was to scared to do. Like next week I'm meeting with my pastor to talk about me taking sunday school for 8-10 year olds, which was something that I had wanted to do but had made lame excuses for not volinteerting. I guess you could call it a Jona situation.

Ever head the expression rules are made to be broken? I do not live by that phrase, its time I believe. I have my morals, I hope they wont break they're strong enough I hope. Today I recognise that my safe world its over, I must enter the real world.

Some rules are made to be broken some are to be bent. Life isn't fare and people get hurt, but its all the way the world works. It's time to become a more exciting person. I am going to be making some changes. No more living in my own world. If you want to help me escape, invite me to experience your world, I want to be more open, adventurous. Help me to expand my world.

Crazy weekend!

So this weekend has been insane, full of ups and downs. We had a teacher only day on Friday so three days!
On Friday, I went on an exciting adventure with Bob and Lawrence. We started at the main car park at Victoria park loaded up with healthy snacks like chips, shapes, chocolate, energy drinks etc. and headed up hill. Our aim was to get to the sign of the kiwi which admittedly wasn't far but then obviously explore! We just walked and walked, slowly cause we weren't aiming to get anywhere and we didn't have to be anywhere for hours. It was good just exploring with mates. Nothing really to do, forget about other things. It was probably the best part of my weekend. That night was a bit crazy.
The next day was my soccer and I arrived there on time, and was sub for most of the first half other players that turned up later than me got on the field before me. Most of my team had gone to some party the night before, so they really didn't play there best game and we lost. 3/2 It was very frustrating as the players were obviously not playing well and the coach didn't sub them. One boy in the team didn't get to play until the last 10minutes of our 90minute game, and he'd been there longer than before. I got so angry at my team, and my coach. I was almost glad that we lost cause we didn't deserve to win at all.
Then I decided I'd do my homework and work that's due really soon. But being a regular teenager that didn't get that done, i played my xbox360 and watched Lex and really didn't achieve anything! But such is life.