Theme Thursday - Palm

Palm.

To have something in the palm of your hand means you have complete control over it. Seems like an Idealic statement. How can you have true control over anything? At school at the moment we're learning about Private and Mixed goods. The difference being that mixed goods have an externality an unexpected event cause by the consumption of the mixed good. Life is a mixed good. Everything we do effects everything else. Have you seen the movie the Butterfly Effect? Its where the main character can focus his energy and go back to a moment in his life where he "blacked out" and relive these moments and change the events that happened. In each situation he changes he ends up in a new situation. New friends, the girl he likes is with someone else, or with him. He's friends with the massive goth kid or they've never even met.
Perhaps the externalities we cause arent as massive, changing what we do at one paticular moment shouldn't change the outcomes now should they?
It does make you think though, what if at that moment? What if I had been smarter? Better? Braver? The regrets of the things you should've, could've done.
For me the moment I always think about is when I was in my 3rd year at school. Room 11. My teacher Mrs Lawn came up to me at lunch and asked me if I wanted to be in the play for end of year assembly. After a brief thought I declined. My then bestfriend was asked and he did the part. You could maybe say I palmed the part off to him. :P (Extra points for getting another phrase related to palms right?). He's now a bit of a drama buff, a musician, happy to get infront of a crowd and address them. I'm not saying this one experience made him what he is today. It certainly helped. What if I rather than declining Mrs Lawn had been brave enough to say yes? What if I'd had that part. How would it have changed me? Would I be braver? Less shy? Would that experience at such a young stage of life turned me into an ultimately more extroverted person?
I don't know if it would. I do know that if I knew what I knew know about life and experiences I have had. I would have said yes. If I had a time machine I would tell little 9yr old me to do it. Be brave do the play.
Perhaps then it would mean that I had more control over life in the palm of my hand? Simply because it would change the space of my mind. Of course dwelling on the past living with regrets is stupid. "If we hold on to the past then we cannot fully embrace the present" Is a phrase I recently heard. Its so simple yet so amazingly true. The same could be said about worrying about the future. Or holding on to the what ifs. I think of all the times I have spent hours dreaming of what could have happened. The what ifs. I've wasted so much time on the what ifs. Its a bad habit I'm working on breaking. Need to start on the what do I do RIGHT NOW. Then rather than sitting staring at space perhaps I should be studying, or atleast doing the homework I never do. Who knows!

Ok this post seems a bit of a shambles now. . . Nevermind! Happy Theme thursday!

Self Control

Well the idea of no contact is wasted on me. I can do everything in my power, delete facebook, msn formspring, be un-halved on bebo so many things.

This no contact thing is impossible. When you're with someone for 3years everything you have reminds you of them. I'm listening to new music that's untainted for now until these feelings of attachment disperse. Trying to keep busy, Ceroc to nights a week, football twice a week, Canoe Polo, really getting into my weights training programme, youth group trying to step up into more responsibility, taking on a class at my churches Sunday school.

I can make my self as busy as possible but I still find myself furiously checking her blog manually now cause I'm forcing myself not to follow it. After three years, you know things like email address, blogs, phone numbers, (well not cellphone cause your in my contacts and I suck with numbers usually). I see every update and have my heart jump a beat with different things. I'm wasting my time. She has moved on. Tonight the last blog I'm going to read of hers for a while. Was about no more what ifs. She was talking about possible relationships. She was all about the what if I had done this differently would he be something different to me now? These things do not help me I do not need them in my life so I need more self control. I need to move on with my life.

I want to be someone who when they meet someone they are friends, build a strong relationship one that could last if both party's put in the effort. That's what we had before we both let it slide and stop working. I want to find someone that thinks, yes he's worth the effort, I want to think yes she's worth the effort. What ifs are stupid. I don't want what ifs in my life. I want my life to be mine, and one day with the right person maybe I'll share it.

I am going to try harder to forget the feelings I have for her. To her I am no longer a what if. No more what if her came to my house and apologise said leaving me was a mistake. I don't want to see her driving to my house in every white car I pass on the way to anywhere. I don't need that at the moment if its only in my head.

Maybe one day she will wake up and think where is Sam? What is he doing now? Or she'll meet me when I'm Doctoring (today's chosen profession for me) and think what would my life be if I had stayed with him? Maybe one day sooner than that even.

What if? I cannot control what ifs. God has a plan for me.

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

To be honest I would like to be a what if in her life. I should be trying to change that. The only advice my parents can give me is time heals all things. Keep busy, eventually you'll be normal again, theres someone out there for you. Perhaps there is? Think Gotta be somebody by Nickleback. Right now theres no one for me; Theres the person my heart wants but that persons heart has lead them away.
Perhaps best friends, we can be soon? My offers for watching football and helping you with your course still stand. I hope we'll be alright soon. I miss your company the most. Be aware my friend that my no contact thing that I'm failing at is only for me contacting you. So if you need me, want me, wish I was there then I will be. You know you were more than just a girlfriend to me. In fact that was probably the least you were to me.