Phillip

Today I woke up and felt ill. Managed to convince my mum I was sick which meant breakfast in bed which was a nice treat. Well less like breakfast more like a snack. I'm not sure a cupcake, some panadol a Milo and a glass of water constitute a breakfast. Anyway having a sick day made me think hm... I could learn all about my chemistry today. Then hopefully I could understand Acid & Bases and Organic. Of course being a lazy teenager I went and caught up on T.V. I watched True Blood, Survivors, NCIS and two episodes of the Mentalist. Good show that last one.

Anyhow I'm avoiding what this post is really supposed to be about. I got an email from my football coach, with "Phillip" in the subject line. My first thought was perhaps someone pressed the wrong button and had emailed me there selection for player player. When I opened it I read some shocking news. My Coach was emailing us to inform us that Phil a member of our team and his son had died last night at about 8.45 in a car crash.
Phil was only a little bit older than me. He was a nice guy. He offered to give me Woodstock when I told him I was going to a party one week. He was the guy in the team that always asked everyone what plans they had for the weekend. He was the guy that first talked to me when I joined the team at the beginning of the season. He was friendly with everyone. I guess now he's gone. We weren't close or anything. He's someone I've seen almost every week all winter. He's was the guy that would sub off and let me get more match time. Partly cause he was knackered, partly so he could hold his girlfriends hand.
To be honest its more odd than anything. Odds not the right word. I guess I'm still shocked. Someone I saw on Tuesday at practice who I was quite proud of myself for skinning (Zooming past him in a game with the ball and leaving him in the dust), Isn't going to be at our last game of the season.

Our game tomorrow has been postponed. Our coach contacted the competition organisers.

Self Control

Well the idea of no contact is wasted on me. I can do everything in my power, delete facebook, msn formspring, be un-halved on bebo so many things.

This no contact thing is impossible. When you're with someone for 3years everything you have reminds you of them. I'm listening to new music that's untainted for now until these feelings of attachment disperse. Trying to keep busy, Ceroc to nights a week, football twice a week, Canoe Polo, really getting into my weights training programme, youth group trying to step up into more responsibility, taking on a class at my churches Sunday school.

I can make my self as busy as possible but I still find myself furiously checking her blog manually now cause I'm forcing myself not to follow it. After three years, you know things like email address, blogs, phone numbers, (well not cellphone cause your in my contacts and I suck with numbers usually). I see every update and have my heart jump a beat with different things. I'm wasting my time. She has moved on. Tonight the last blog I'm going to read of hers for a while. Was about no more what ifs. She was talking about possible relationships. She was all about the what if I had done this differently would he be something different to me now? These things do not help me I do not need them in my life so I need more self control. I need to move on with my life.

I want to be someone who when they meet someone they are friends, build a strong relationship one that could last if both party's put in the effort. That's what we had before we both let it slide and stop working. I want to find someone that thinks, yes he's worth the effort, I want to think yes she's worth the effort. What ifs are stupid. I don't want what ifs in my life. I want my life to be mine, and one day with the right person maybe I'll share it.

I am going to try harder to forget the feelings I have for her. To her I am no longer a what if. No more what if her came to my house and apologise said leaving me was a mistake. I don't want to see her driving to my house in every white car I pass on the way to anywhere. I don't need that at the moment if its only in my head.

Maybe one day she will wake up and think where is Sam? What is he doing now? Or she'll meet me when I'm Doctoring (today's chosen profession for me) and think what would my life be if I had stayed with him? Maybe one day sooner than that even.

What if? I cannot control what ifs. God has a plan for me.

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

To be honest I would like to be a what if in her life. I should be trying to change that. The only advice my parents can give me is time heals all things. Keep busy, eventually you'll be normal again, theres someone out there for you. Perhaps there is? Think Gotta be somebody by Nickleback. Right now theres no one for me; Theres the person my heart wants but that persons heart has lead them away.
Perhaps best friends, we can be soon? My offers for watching football and helping you with your course still stand. I hope we'll be alright soon. I miss your company the most. Be aware my friend that my no contact thing that I'm failing at is only for me contacting you. So if you need me, want me, wish I was there then I will be. You know you were more than just a girlfriend to me. In fact that was probably the least you were to me.

Crazy weekend!

So this weekend has been insane, full of ups and downs. We had a teacher only day on Friday so three days!
On Friday, I went on an exciting adventure with Bob and Lawrence. We started at the main car park at Victoria park loaded up with healthy snacks like chips, shapes, chocolate, energy drinks etc. and headed up hill. Our aim was to get to the sign of the kiwi which admittedly wasn't far but then obviously explore! We just walked and walked, slowly cause we weren't aiming to get anywhere and we didn't have to be anywhere for hours. It was good just exploring with mates. Nothing really to do, forget about other things. It was probably the best part of my weekend. That night was a bit crazy.
The next day was my soccer and I arrived there on time, and was sub for most of the first half other players that turned up later than me got on the field before me. Most of my team had gone to some party the night before, so they really didn't play there best game and we lost. 3/2 It was very frustrating as the players were obviously not playing well and the coach didn't sub them. One boy in the team didn't get to play until the last 10minutes of our 90minute game, and he'd been there longer than before. I got so angry at my team, and my coach. I was almost glad that we lost cause we didn't deserve to win at all.
Then I decided I'd do my homework and work that's due really soon. But being a regular teenager that didn't get that done, i played my xbox360 and watched Lex and really didn't achieve anything! But such is life.