Theme Thursday - Palm

Palm.

To have something in the palm of your hand means you have complete control over it. Seems like an Idealic statement. How can you have true control over anything? At school at the moment we're learning about Private and Mixed goods. The difference being that mixed goods have an externality an unexpected event cause by the consumption of the mixed good. Life is a mixed good. Everything we do effects everything else. Have you seen the movie the Butterfly Effect? Its where the main character can focus his energy and go back to a moment in his life where he "blacked out" and relive these moments and change the events that happened. In each situation he changes he ends up in a new situation. New friends, the girl he likes is with someone else, or with him. He's friends with the massive goth kid or they've never even met.
Perhaps the externalities we cause arent as massive, changing what we do at one paticular moment shouldn't change the outcomes now should they?
It does make you think though, what if at that moment? What if I had been smarter? Better? Braver? The regrets of the things you should've, could've done.
For me the moment I always think about is when I was in my 3rd year at school. Room 11. My teacher Mrs Lawn came up to me at lunch and asked me if I wanted to be in the play for end of year assembly. After a brief thought I declined. My then bestfriend was asked and he did the part. You could maybe say I palmed the part off to him. :P (Extra points for getting another phrase related to palms right?). He's now a bit of a drama buff, a musician, happy to get infront of a crowd and address them. I'm not saying this one experience made him what he is today. It certainly helped. What if I rather than declining Mrs Lawn had been brave enough to say yes? What if I'd had that part. How would it have changed me? Would I be braver? Less shy? Would that experience at such a young stage of life turned me into an ultimately more extroverted person?
I don't know if it would. I do know that if I knew what I knew know about life and experiences I have had. I would have said yes. If I had a time machine I would tell little 9yr old me to do it. Be brave do the play.
Perhaps then it would mean that I had more control over life in the palm of my hand? Simply because it would change the space of my mind. Of course dwelling on the past living with regrets is stupid. "If we hold on to the past then we cannot fully embrace the present" Is a phrase I recently heard. Its so simple yet so amazingly true. The same could be said about worrying about the future. Or holding on to the what ifs. I think of all the times I have spent hours dreaming of what could have happened. The what ifs. I've wasted so much time on the what ifs. Its a bad habit I'm working on breaking. Need to start on the what do I do RIGHT NOW. Then rather than sitting staring at space perhaps I should be studying, or atleast doing the homework I never do. Who knows!

Ok this post seems a bit of a shambles now. . . Nevermind! Happy Theme thursday!

A better than expected evening.

Yesterday after staying home from school after stuggling to get to sleep before 1am, not getten woken up to watch the NZ vs. Paraguay live, or when my family decided to veiw it but being woken up at various other points in the night. All in all having one of the worst nights of sleep I've had in ages, which is saying a heck of a lot as I havn't been able to have a full nights sleep in weeks! To top it all off I felt like I was going to throw up most of the morning so I decided well, choose to snooze through my alarm and stay in bed until everyone else had left.

Its very warm under the covers with an electric blanket on! I spent the day watching the football, which was to say anything disappointing that we didn't get any goals, or really even come close too many times. Then I proceeded to watch SGU a very frustrating Sci-fi that I am about ready to give up on due to its weak storyline, unbelievable characters, situation and the two of the main characters being complete sluts. You can only watch a spaceship have no air, water, power, ect so many times before you get bored of it.

Anyhow, I thought I was gonna spend the evening at home with the cats, although warm and snug not the most exciting evening to be had. I really didn't feel like being stuck at home. I got a phone call from my dad asking me to do a message for him. The message involved me picking something up from point A and taking it to him at point B. At point B there was my bother, and my Freind Jonny, who invited me to go watch the band 5th Day of May with them at Zebs. The band was awesome. They have a violin!, and a hot chick bassest. ;) It was nice going out and doing something rather than being stuck at home in boringness!

We left half way through the second band which sounded like pop-rock you'd hear on the radio that had a friend who liked to scream so they let him join there band and scream all the lyrics for them. They werent very good. . .

That is the story of how my friday night was better than expected.

Green Eggs and Ham.

Well I'm back, from rainy, dull Invercargill, back from the wedding! Im back in chch where i belong with my friends, the ones I Love. I missed everybody so much!

Argh Weddings are not a fun place to be when your missing someone dear to your heart, especially when you dont know how they feel. It can be stressful. To add to that try sharing a room with my brother! and sitting next to him in the back seat of the car everyday for 5 days and have him try everything to annoy you!

I couldnt sleep most nights, my head was a mess, everything going around, and around, wondering why its the way it is. What to do now, whats the plan Sam? I keep asking myself! Whats is the plan! Is it sink or swim? run or fly? Things have got to change, I know that. I have to change things about myself. Accept that things have changed. It cant go back to the way it was before, nothing can go back to exactly the way it was. It could go back and be better. I want it to all be better. I want to try and put effort in to be better, a better person, a better friend, a better christian. I want to try harder, no i will try harder. Maybe one day, One day I'l get the dream girl.

For now, I'm Sam, thats who I am. I do not like Green Eggs and Ham.

Wasted Day

Well im up now at 20 to 2am cause i cant sleep.
One of those times where thoughts are blasting through my head at a million miles per second.
Many about the day i wasted, I did nothing. Well i played video games and watched a movie. Nothing real was accomplished. I even replied to a txt i was sent at the brilliant speed of 2 and 1/2hrs! And it was an important txt the sorta one that if you dont reply quickly you dont get a reply, and the no reply leaves you thinking desperately and feeling desserted late at night. Until you check your phone and discover that you took 2 and 1/2 hrs to reply! And then you feel guilty. And Lonely. And depressed over a wasted day.

Instead of going to sleep so you can wake up the next day you get outta bed walk across the room to your laptop to post a blog that maybe 3 people will read. Why? Man this is losing all structure and i imagine is hard to follow at all. I guess im blogging so at least i did something with my day. I had planned things to do. I didnt do them, no reason why either just didnt get around to doing them. I SHOULD have done them. But i didnt.

And I felt alone, on my balcony. . .

Well today has been one spent in near seclusion. My only company being a farting dog, a snuggly cat, and an old women telling me her life story.

I was asleep, and i was woken because my Dad needed phone numbers off his cellphone that he'd left in Christchurch. (He's at a comference in Auckland?) Then there was my Oma to talk to. I know her life story now! She moved to NZ from Germany after the war when she was 12. . . and im sure you care even less than i did. I wasnt really in the mood for it. I learned that my Granddad is even worse than i thought he was. Well according to his wife he is!

It was about 5 and i was wondering where everyone else was. Not having any sane human contact at all that day and none since about 2. I was feeling lonely. Well in they come through the door and i go to see whats up. Enquire why Mrs Bailey had rung. To be sworn at by my brother and witness him call my mother some not so nice words!

Well he's lost his computer now. Im very tired still. I should go to sleep earlier. Its hard to get to sleep when your minds as stir crazy as mine is with nothing working out right. Im sorry. My Life is a mess, like a four year old playing in a bath tub full of paint.

Why do I not get invited to meet up with anyone? I almost always free! Just a thought. . .

I Like you, Do you like me?
Lets get together have adventures it could lead to better days

And why is everyone so mean to everyone else? Why do people spread the past? Why would the care if they're your friend? Why would it be any of there business anyway?