5 things I could have said.

At the moment I'm reading High Fidelity, I love that book, each time I read it I pick up something new. The characters, especially the main one are all so real. They're confused, unsure what they want and miserable. Recently I've been wanting to meet Rob, ask him some questions, and even though I know the advice he'd give me probably wouldn't be that great at least he could sell me some good music.

One of my favourite bits in the book is the part when Rob gets a phone call from Ray. The guy that his then ex-girlfriend Laura moved in with when she left him. The book then goes through the entire phone call and then thiers a list of other things he could have said, ranging from hanging up, to completely abusing the hell outta Ray, with the conclusion any of these things would have been a better alternative than what he actually said. Its so realistic though. I mean when we say something to someone, or that someone over hears then we rethink it. These situations happened to me twice in the weekend.

One was a phone call. I got it and was nice and kind and the person was nice and kind and it all confused the hell out of me. It got me worried and worked up about something, someone I really shouldn't care that much about. Not because I don't want to so much as they don't want me too. To be honest the way I handled that call ruined my weekend and I spent most of Sunday debating in my head how I should have handled it.

1. Fuck off it's 5 am.
2. Piss of you stupid drunken idiot, I hate you and all you've done leave me alone.
3. Are you alright? Do you need me to come around? What happened etc. . . .
4. I hate you, your a whore, I don't know if I can ever forgive you for what you've done, I know its not all your fault but you didn't have to be such a slut about it. I thought I might have meant more, blah blah blah. (Ok this response would've probably brought out drunken tears, and for some reason this doesn't bother me as much as It probably should.)
5. Ignored the whole situation.

What actually happened was along the lines of are you ok, why are you ringing me? I miss you? what happened? why don't you talk to him about it. It's ok I don't mind you ringing at the time. No no it doesn't matter that I have to be up soon to get to my canoe polo games and that you ruined my nights sleep. Don't worry it'll be ok. Why don't you come watch canoe polo?
I then spent the whole day regretting not doing option 5, or, 1, or 2, mostly 4 though, well regretting not going with option four and watching out to see if you did come, if you did remember my invitation and that you did care about me and it wasn't just because you were drunk. I was severely disappointed. Then I asked you about it and it was almost at bad as having to listen to you not do any work in statistic's class and talk about him.
Fuck you.
Before anyone says's anything to me about this all. It's my blog I can post what ever I want. Maybe I'm still this way because I am just a Patsy for your love?


Ok the other situation was a little less dramatic more of a quick speech thing, when I responded to something someone said with the wrong words. It was about someone missing a penalty in golden goal extra time. I said that'd make you want to commit suicide. I mean what the hell was I on? What I meant it that'd make you just want to disappear, you'd feel miserable. A person next to me over heard and commented on what a dumb thing I said. Someone nice who'd make a good friend, and I couldn't look at them for the next while cause I felt so stupid. Spent all of Sunday evening regretting not thinking about what I said. . . Almost tempted me to jump into the wine at my Nana's birthday dinner. However after the 5am experience I think alcohol is best to be avoided for everyone in every situation. Unless you in an emergency situation and you need to do something painful to someone and thiers no pain killers. . . Maybe then alcohol could be helpful.

I miss. . .

I miss, being able to play in the sand pit at kindy.
I miss, being excited to go to school, to see people, and learn new things.
I miss, playing on the fort and pretending the ground is Lava.
I miss, listening to so many of my songs and getting excited.
I miss, watching sci-fi's and not feeling like I need to be doing something else.
I miss, getting a text and leaping across the room in excitement.
I miss, getting texts from people who aren't my parents
I miss, getting phone calls.
I miss, Akaroa my favourite memories are there.
I miss, that annoying pomeranean that would bark and always be there.
I miss, keeping my head on straight.
I miss, being able to think straight.
I miss, being hugged.
I miss, having my handheld.
I miss, singing out of tune and dancing around with you.
I miss, sitting in my PJ's and playing the sims.
I miss, sleeping with a winnie the pooh duvey on a leopard covered mattress on the floor.
I miss, knowing that you care.
I miss, playing video games and feeling like I accomplished something.
I miss, not feeling so empty.
I miss, knowing that there was always someone who I could trust with anything and always be safe with.
I miss, my smile.
I miss, your smile.
I miss, being the reason for your smile.
I miss, listening to music, and having all the 'girls' being girls and not you , and all the 'love' being someone elses.
I miss, being able to ignore lyrics and just listen to the song.
I miss, having an idea in my head how it was gonna work out, not a plan, but a picture of you and me together in the future.
I miss, feeling comfortable, like I was enough.
I miss, having selfcontrol.
I miss, my laugh, not this stupid fake one that appears now to try and cover how I'm really feeling.
I miss, a goodnights sleep.
I miss, the thrill of your touch.
I miss, looking at a couple holding hands and not feeling insanely jealous at there happiness.
I miss, being the one you talked to.
I miss, having a reason to get up in the morning that wasn't because you have school.
I miss, not having to keep busy to avoid everything.
I miss, looking at things in shops and not feeling guilty for wanting to buy it for you.
I miss, looking in shops with you.
I miss, going to the food court and find parts of my meal gone cause you've helped yourself.
I miss, having you to talk to.
I miss, having a blog of substance.
I miss, my bestfriend lifes so lonely now you've left.
I miss, so many things.

What do you miss?

Back from My Holiday!

I am back from my weekend away. I spent the time boarding with my family, and my mate Thomas. It was much better than going with myself. Thomas and I had a lot of fun doing runs that were far beyond our ability, and stacking a lot!

It was nice to be in Wanaka such a beautiful place in New Zealand, and be surrounded by the mountain air and beautiful scenery.

I was able to sigh and take a deep breath in and just enjoy the view. It was brilliant.
Unfortunately for me on the second to last night of us staying the 20 something year old's next door decided to have a party. There was a keg, and they were still going when I finally got to sleep well after 2am. Then getting up at 7am to go snowboarding did not lead to the most energetic day on the slopes. I'm still knackered now. Completely exhausted, I think I'm gonna have a super Early night tonight, straight after Doctor Who. :P

A 6hr drive, of quietness letting me think about what I want to do, has almost made me sure I want to be a doctor. So hopefully by the end of this week I'll no for certain and I can put some direction into my life!

Also I learned that listening to my music for 5hrs straight, skipping out random ones leads me to a euphoric state of mind that fills me with false hope, and a sense that following my gut might make me happy. Ah the problems with pop music!

P.S.
Does flipping a coin repetitively so that you get the other outcome mean that the later one is the preferred?

Music Moves my Soul

I was thinking just now, as i walked down the stairs. Music moves my soul, well my mind. Music has the power to make a great day better, a bad day worse, a alright day alrightier. Do you get it?

Some examples, when life and relationships and stuff are going great and you've just spent a great day with that special someone a song like "All the Small things" by blink 182 or "Trucker Hat" by Bowling for Soup make everything more smiley.

On a crap shit day, when its raining outside and in your mind and in your heart. Everythings miserable, relationships not working the way you want them to. "Down" or "Always" by blink 182 and "Where'd you go?" byFort Minor makes it all more that sorta way.

When your lonely and missing someone terribly and you want them to come back to you, from Tahiti songs like; "Hold Me Tight" by the Beatles/Across the Universe (coverers), "I Miss You" by blink 182, "Verona" Elemeno P, heaps of other songs that make you think of them bring those feelings of missing, wanting to be with that person. "I want to hold your hand" by the Beatles. "All I want (Next to You)" the Offspring

I guess what im saying is that music, can connect to your heart and mind your very soul and reflect your mood, amplify it make it bigger, stronger, block out other emotions. Well thats what it does to me, I like songs that say something to me, i dont like pointless crap that doesnt really make sence, that i cant relate to in anyway. Like why would i let someone suck my Lollypop? Why would that appeal to anyone? Ok I admit a few pointless songs songs slip through, songs that on a happy day, make me happy cause they're about a cowardly dog that needs to come and save the day. Everyone needs that Dog to help them out! :P I dont understand some songs, they're good songs, i just cant see how they connect to me, how they can add to me or anything, so they dont make it.

So to finish this all off, what songs amplify your emotions? Bring up certain feelings in you when you hear them or did once upon a time? Im curious to know. If you make a entry on your own blog leave a comment here first so i can check it out, I'd Love to read what songs work for you.

Wasted Day

Well im up now at 20 to 2am cause i cant sleep.
One of those times where thoughts are blasting through my head at a million miles per second.
Many about the day i wasted, I did nothing. Well i played video games and watched a movie. Nothing real was accomplished. I even replied to a txt i was sent at the brilliant speed of 2 and 1/2hrs! And it was an important txt the sorta one that if you dont reply quickly you dont get a reply, and the no reply leaves you thinking desperately and feeling desserted late at night. Until you check your phone and discover that you took 2 and 1/2 hrs to reply! And then you feel guilty. And Lonely. And depressed over a wasted day.

Instead of going to sleep so you can wake up the next day you get outta bed walk across the room to your laptop to post a blog that maybe 3 people will read. Why? Man this is losing all structure and i imagine is hard to follow at all. I guess im blogging so at least i did something with my day. I had planned things to do. I didnt do them, no reason why either just didnt get around to doing them. I SHOULD have done them. But i didnt.

It Hurts

It hurts.

AH!!!

Exams soon, im a bit worried. But not to much. . . Im gonna study lots on Thursday and Monday. So i should be all good! Im just stressed over other things. Its almost been a month. And nothings getting better. Well it doesnt seem to be anyway. And that makes me sad.

Im worried about other people. I wish people could be happy! I miss old times when it was fun. Before everyone got confused and screwed up and stressed! I wish people knew what they wanted.

I dont really know what im going to be when i grow up. I wish i did. I dont want a job. Works lame. Rather just sit in a room and do nothing.

I need to get more money i have $1.10 in my bank account at the moment. SO POOR!!! Im slowly eating through my cash supply. I think i need to start taking my lunch when i go out and taking a drink bottle. Save me like $8 a time! Thats over half my money per week! Theres a plan!

I got 2nd in Economic's. Im annoyed at myself, i shouldv studied for the tests now. . . No one ever remembers second place. People dont say well done im proud of you. They always go "Who came first?" next year im going to work harder, i want to get first in something.

I dont know how i feel about myself, I used to think i was smart, but im not, im average. I used to think i was kind and people would turn to me when they needed to talk, but they dont. I used to be happy all the time, but now im not. I rarely feel happy, happy. Most the time its just what can i do so im not sitting on my arse in front of the computer. People invite me to things but its not overly thrilling. Just average. I used to look forward to seeing people, now most people i dread it. I used to think people wanted to see me. Now i feel like baggage, i dont normally get a smile. If i do i get ditched for someone else if they come along. Maybe im boring?

Who know's i dont!

Im so tired. . . I need to go to bed on time. Prize giving tonight. I have to go sit through 2hrs+ of people getting 1st in this and 1st in that! So depressingly boring! Good for them though. But i only feel pride for a few people who won. I dont know if they care entirely that i do or understand how proud I am of them. I feel like everyone's growing with new relationships and im not. Everyone's making new friends and im not needed like i used to be, and im losing my place in peoples lives.

Maybe im just a grizzling. . .

Im going to go do something now!

Have fun in this game of life!

HellO!

Well,
Today i helped my dad Dj at Puroa Street School (i think that's what its called) and man it was weird. It was Halloween theme of course it being weeny at the tonight. I was Dressed as a vampire, Dreadlocks and all! :P Man the kids there were mean! They just yelled and one girl said she was going to kick me in the butt! Oh the Violence! Just cause I didn't let her hold the end of the limbo stick. Which to be honest they were completely USE-less at! It made me laugh. I could've gone lower and i was like twice there height. So that made me laugh!

It was fun though, well bets sitting at home doing nothing! Except of all the requests that were made only one was an actual song! The rest were crap! Man proof that Hip-Hop is completely commercialised when Fendalton Kids are requesting them!

Well, now iv just had a large 2x Cheeseburger Combo from McDonalds so I now have no will to sleep for another hour! YAH!!!

Man im confused at the moment. Siobhan, doesnt tell me what im doing to annoy her for ages and i wish she would tell me sooner. Im sorry for being so annoying! But if i dnt know what im doing i can't stop! Surely you must see the wisdom in telling me these things Snugs?

Well yes tomorrow will be interesting! I dont know what might go down. Probly lots of things, I hope though that nothing to bad happens at the Sleep over. I hope people dont do stupid things, I hope I get awnsers. . . Iv been being told for half a week now that is were we'll discus things, so maybe there il get awnsers. . . Maybe everything can change, and we can fix things. MEH!

But who know's? I can only hope and Pray.

Life.

Life,

Whoa. It's wierd. You do something, you thought you wanted. And now its terrible. I dont want to make that mistake again. I do want to do it again. Just not like that. It just felt completely wrong. And im sure everyone knows what i mean. Even though only one person will know what im on about! :P

Im sorry.

My parents are acting really wierd. Since they heard that Siobhan and i have broken up. My Dad asked me awkward questions. . . Ones i dont have the awnsers to, ones i dont want to think about. Like "Does Siobhan have another Boyfriend?" and "Does she have lots a boys chasing her?" The awnsers, No, and most definatly. He seems to think im handling it very well. But he doesnt know bout the mistakes iv made, or the habits iv developed. He asked me if i was angry at Siobhan. I had thought i wasnt, but yes I am. Actually when i think about it. I'm hurt, and Angry. Theres things I did wrong, Theres things she did wrong. Im angry at the way it's worked out. Im angry at her for the way she treats me. I'm angry.

My Mum i think, is actually being quite horrible about it. I dont think she means to be. I think she's trying to be funny or something. But the comments she makes arent funny. I didnt really need her to tell me that if i ever needed a date i could take her. Wouldnt that be a disaster. . . And horrible. :P maybe some of the things she say's is funny!

I do feel hurt, i feel betrayed. People say wait and it'l work itself out. I want to, but i dont know. . . I'm not sure anymore. I used to be. Now im not sure, she said i scare her when im Angry. She scares me when she's angry.

I dont think she's allowed to be angry at me at the moment though. I didnt do anything to her, nothing like what she did do me. She broke up with me. NOT the other way around. So yes im angry. Maybe thats why it felt so wrong?

Just a thought. I do still want it to feel right again. Im confused. Conflicting feelings, Positive over negitive and confusion. This is Stupid. SO SO stupid. and know i wont type it three times. It looks kinda over dramatic. Although i still support three dots. . .

I can't stop doing everything i used to, but i can fight habits, i can break them. I will stop them. I wont be pathetic. I will hold on just not tightly. I dont need, i just want. I can survive without.

I do need my friends. I do need them. I do need my best friends. I do need my BBF. I would like my GF. But i do not need her. Man this is conflicting. . .

I hope nothing bad happens. I dont need anymore of this confusion. Unless its resolving sorta confusion... Which i guess is kinda awkward oxymoron kinda stuff. When i feel better i'l put pictures back on the page. Thank you to the people that'dv talked to me, through txt or, msn or, bebo messaging. :) I am listening and i appreciate the advice. and amazingly your all right, and your all saying the same thing. So here's to our plan.

P.S. if it goes to custurd i blame you.

P.P.S Im only joking!

Humans

Humans,
Ok. People, individuals. Everyone. We're floored in some way.
Why? We are all equals, but in no way is anyone the same.
Hence people are valued differently.
So we can't be equal can we?

We all have different values.
A thing that is revolting to one person is normal to somethings.
People do wrong and get away with it.

Its not fair.
No one can possibly be equal to anyone else.

Life is just far to complicated.

People do things, mistakes. We hurt others, we scare others, we terrify them, we make them cry. Why do people suffer for other peoples mistake.

Life is not fair.

Promises, why do people say things they dont mean?
People lie. Why?
It hurts other.

ok i Lie, i break promises. But i try my hardest not to.

Why does it feel like so many others dont? A word said out loud, has to be ment.

I dont mean saying one thing by accident. I mean intimate promises between friends.
Why are they being thrown away?

Why do people say one thing then do something completly against what they just said. Hypocrites.

Why do others suffer?
Every action has a consequence.
You have to think of others.
We are all connected through relationships ever so distently.

You cant do something and exspect it not to effect someone.

Of course you could do something that effects everyone positively.
But theres is always the opposite of anything.

You cant trust people.
Some people are good, or appear good.
Most people. Somewhere in them are evil. We're Humans.
We were made for good, but Sin came into the world. We have the choice. I know Good is ultimately stronger than evil, but when choice is given to us. Our true nature is showen. Human nature.
When we're given the choice to do evil. Our own selfish human nature shows. When we have evil thoughts and choice, evil gets done.

Hence everyone is evil.

I know i am.

Why must we cause pain to others? Our world is huge. There are millions starving, while we feast on rubbish. Is that not evil? We have choice. We can help if we want to. Do we?
Sometimes not doing something is wrong.

We must try to think of others always. Watch what we say and we promise. Try hard to forgive those that do us wrong. Live in the now but always think of the future.

If everyone thought of others, then we'd all be looked after by each other. Of course we look after ourselves, but if we Loved each other. No one would be lonely. To be Loved you must first Love.


Whoa im a raunter!
No wonder i cant write essays look at that crappy structure. :P
hm. . .