Delete!

As I sat on my bed holding my digital camera deleting photos from the last year, I thought wow what alot has changed.
I also thought I haven't really blogged in a while.
I'm useless at keeping my memory card cleared, I was deleting photo's of last Christmas which was an awesome day, spent it with family and people I love. Then the weeks following Christmas. Lots of photo's of the person who at the time featured predominately in my life. I had thought about deleting the memory sooner, thought it'd be too hard. Now when I do it, its easy. Too easy, can losing those pictures and cleansing the memory card in order to forget the memory be that easy this quickly? To make it worse, I look at them an now instead of thinking wow. I'm critical, it's funny what you notice with some of the happiness and the warm fuzzy feelings gone. So much easier to be a bitch. Not that any of it matters at all. Anyhow I should probably sleep I've been challenged to try and get somewhere at 9am tomorrow morning. Fully not gonna happen but its worth a half hearted shot!
Hopefully I can organise myself in the next few days to post about the epic tramp I went on a few days ago & hopefully this is before my weekend gets flooded with the best thing in town. Canoe Polo! Awesomely theirs a tournament coming up, gonna be sick! :)

Love

Those that have spend to long talking about it.
Those that had it spend to long lamenting it.
Those that have never had it down play it to them selves in there mind.

Is it truly better to have Loved and lost that to never loved at all? At least with the never loved at all one can live in a world of self-deception free from the aches of the heart? Surely to have had Love and lost it would be to have never had true love at all?

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

1 Corinthians 13:4

Love never fails....And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 13:13

Love is always. So if it is always then true love is eternal. So if "love" flickers and disbands. Then was this "love" true? was it there ever? Was that feeling really love? Or is everyone responsible for this love. We are the misguided and foolish youth, growing up on British pop songs and romantic comedies. We don't understand life, and we never will.

Is understanding what is important, does it bring happiness or is bliss the happier past. One of my friends when I joke to him about girls, and oh she's cute she works where you wok maybe you should try to get to know her. He always responds with anger. Is his anger from a deep sense of refusing to become aware? Or is it from a truly pessimistic view of the world? Where nothing ever works out as planned. Which is true to a point. I would say, nothing ever turns out as planned but sometimes things are better than you can ever imagine. Sometimes things suck.

Everyday

Everyday I make up my mind to do certain things and they never happen.
I regularly, daily even make up my mind to go to bed at a reasonable hour tonight. That rarely happens.
I make up my mind to go for a run, nope that never happens either. I make up my mind to start doing at least one set of sit ups and push ups. Nope no way does that happen.
I make up my mind to do my homework, to study for the exam. Well this doesn't happen at all, and then in the exam I'm sitting there dying and feeling miserable because I know I had the time to learn the content. How I'm to lazy, I should be add up to more than this.
I make up my mind to do something about the misery and loneliness, this I decide can weight, or at least be postponed by worrying about all the other things I should be doing, well could be doing. Of course I'll probably just procrastinate. Waste my time, and continue to waste my life.
I know the solution to everything, It is get the hell of my ass and do something. It doesn't happen. Another day passes and nothing extraordinary happens. No memories are made, not lasting ones anyway. I'm to comfortable in this self inflicted misery. I used to wish for a natural disaster to make everything more exciting. It worked for a while, but I don't know if I will be lucky enough for another one to distract me. Perhaps a smaller scale disaster?
Perhaps not.
On Friday at the movies when I was watching Tomorrow When the War began I was thinking the whole time WOW. What an adventure. Not OMG there family, pets, friends, country has been taken over, they must be terrified. No I thought, that would be such an adventure. A perfect distraction from everything else. . .

Theme Thursday - Park

Parks are great places. So many memories are in parks.

I remember the first time I rode my bike with no training wheels was in a park. It was many many years ago. We had gone to visit my Oma and Grandad and because they lived in another town we had to take my bike. My Dad had promised me that he's show me how to ride my bike without the training wheels.
When we got to my grandparents house I insisted on going to the park before we had lunch. So we had to go. My Grandad came to watch. We found a soccer field and my dad got out his tools and unscrewed the training wheels and I was off. I remember how easy it was, I didn't crash at all!

Other memories at the park include picnic's with my friends, one picnic I had with one person in Autumn because we missed spring and summer. It was a great picnic.
Adventures like the up hill adventure I had with some people a few weeks ago.
More first time adventures in the park in akaroa. Like getting lost in the so called garden of Tane, which turns out to be a natural maze.

Parks are beautiful places, allowing children to learn to ride there bikes, play in the playground. Slightly older children and adults play sport. Life needs parks. I know my life does and my world does. Parks are happy places, green grass, blue sky, smiling flowers, and mighty trees.

I miss. . .

I miss, being able to play in the sand pit at kindy.
I miss, being excited to go to school, to see people, and learn new things.
I miss, playing on the fort and pretending the ground is Lava.
I miss, listening to so many of my songs and getting excited.
I miss, watching sci-fi's and not feeling like I need to be doing something else.
I miss, getting a text and leaping across the room in excitement.
I miss, getting texts from people who aren't my parents
I miss, getting phone calls.
I miss, Akaroa my favourite memories are there.
I miss, that annoying pomeranean that would bark and always be there.
I miss, keeping my head on straight.
I miss, being able to think straight.
I miss, being hugged.
I miss, having my handheld.
I miss, singing out of tune and dancing around with you.
I miss, sitting in my PJ's and playing the sims.
I miss, sleeping with a winnie the pooh duvey on a leopard covered mattress on the floor.
I miss, knowing that you care.
I miss, playing video games and feeling like I accomplished something.
I miss, not feeling so empty.
I miss, knowing that there was always someone who I could trust with anything and always be safe with.
I miss, my smile.
I miss, your smile.
I miss, being the reason for your smile.
I miss, listening to music, and having all the 'girls' being girls and not you , and all the 'love' being someone elses.
I miss, being able to ignore lyrics and just listen to the song.
I miss, having an idea in my head how it was gonna work out, not a plan, but a picture of you and me together in the future.
I miss, feeling comfortable, like I was enough.
I miss, having selfcontrol.
I miss, my laugh, not this stupid fake one that appears now to try and cover how I'm really feeling.
I miss, a goodnights sleep.
I miss, the thrill of your touch.
I miss, looking at a couple holding hands and not feeling insanely jealous at there happiness.
I miss, being the one you talked to.
I miss, having a reason to get up in the morning that wasn't because you have school.
I miss, not having to keep busy to avoid everything.
I miss, looking at things in shops and not feeling guilty for wanting to buy it for you.
I miss, looking in shops with you.
I miss, going to the food court and find parts of my meal gone cause you've helped yourself.
I miss, having you to talk to.
I miss, having a blog of substance.
I miss, my bestfriend lifes so lonely now you've left.
I miss, so many things.

What do you miss?

Snow Globe Emotions (100th Post!!!)

Today I was planning on writing about the concert I went to last night, and how I got player of the day at football today and those sorts of things.

However I had a thought. I thought about being upset, how the things that seem to put you over the edge or the MASSIVE things that shock you into being upset mess your head up make it crazy. I thought it's like a snowglobe. When the ential event happens your emotions get swirled. Everything is not as it seems, calmness is out the window. Acting on your emotions at this point is dangerous, will likely not bring any good at all.

After the intial shock and swirling you begin to calm down, but everything is still in a fluster and floating around. If you say something now when your upset your likely to say something stupid that will upset someone else or send you back to the first snowglobe.

After sometime has been taken and everything has been reflected on and everything has calm down from its intial intence state of craziness. Your emotions become clear and you can act normally. If you speak now your likely to be the most rational, if your irrational then the whole snowglobe might start again!

Well that was just my thoughts for today on crazy emotions and how I seem to be effected when something majorly upsets me.

Repeats

Do you ever read something, and then have to read it again, and again, and again. Just in an attempt to understand it?
I do, it's not the understand like i don't get what its saying, its the struggling to know what it means; and what that could mean to you.
Lately I have been a bit fragile, someone told me to day i was acting insane, which i told them was bit harsh. I settled for crazy. As this has happened to me I'm constantly reading things or seeing pictures, that make me flip out somewhat. I wonder what it could all mean, I read into it a lot, I lose myself into fantastic fantasies or lunatic nightmares. Its odd. I don't know if its lack of sleep. The fact that I haven't really had an appetite in like a week or something else entirely.

WHOA! Music on shuffle and I have found my song for the week; Track 4, on a Hangover You Don't Deserve. Listen to it if you work out what it is ;)