15 Weeks

15 weeks of classes at MGS. After that I will have to choose what I do with my days. Decide a university, what jobs I try and get. Growing ups terrifying.

I remember a speech that I was given at a camp would have been end of Yr11. It was by this youth pastor, shit that speech scared me. It was make sure you have a plan, if you can. It was a warning to try and sort yourself out before school finishes. He said you need to know what your doing, because the year when after you've left school is according to him the hardest year you'll ever face. You'll find out who your real friends are, he said he found that he didn't really have any.

It scares me to think that next year that could be me. Well I don't think it will be, because I have people who I count as real friends, like Nick, Bob, Lawrence, Matt, Jacob, etc. But who knows when you don't see these people everyday what happens to your relationships? Will they still be there? When you spread out away from your high school and go all over the country to universities, polytech's, in search of careers. What happens then?

What happens if your in my boat and you're almost 18, a few months left to make a decision like what am I going to do next year? Or even scarier where am I going to do it? Sometime I wish my parents would tell me what I'm going to be when I'm growing up, like they have some sort of expectation. They want what I want. Me to get a good job and live a happy life.

How come thiers no way to find out what that is? I mean out of my subjects at school thiers none that excites me 100% of the time. A few of them have moments of excitement. Realistically, I cannot see myself doing anything with them 100% of the time. Economics that was my favourite subject in year 11's not anymore. It bores me, the things that made it interesting, the rules, understanding of society, the assumptions. Are now just tedious.

If I had to be honest I don't really enjoy any of my subjects at the moment, except PE, and that's just cause of the weights training program. Which is probably the only reason I really go to school at the moment, other than the fact I made a commitment at the beginning of the year and I'm going to keep it.

I hope that everything makes sense soon. I hope I can decide what I want to do, who I want to be.

Is there any answer?

This afternoon I was fine, I don't know if it was the run I went on in my study or the time spent in the weights room, or the Kahlua I had with my afternoon tea, what ever it was I was feeling all right. I wish I knew which one, if one it was. I didn't mind that I was missing Canoe Polo, something that has sadly been the highlight of my week for the past few weeks due to dislocating my finger on Friday playing goalie in an indoor football competition. Or that there was no 2ND XI football for me cause the council closed all of the public grounds. I was alright with that.

Is there any answer that will shut it out? Sure I could drink a lot, but that's just stupid. I can't run forever, I barely survived the run I did this morning in study. I can't sleep forever, I can't even get to sleep when I jump into bed it takes me hours at the moment. I don't want to feel like this, I want to be happy again. Recently I've heard a from a few people that they consider me a smiley person ,or at least they did when I used to see them often. I wish it was true, cause smiles mean happy don't they? What can I do to get happy?
I'm not even sure what things make me happy at the moment, I just do things because I committed to them. I'm trying to do things that should make me happy. I keep falling into my own trap that I built myself years ago. Now I'm suffering for it. Its a bit of a honey trap though, and I do seem to love this honey!

Pain makes u feel alive, it also makes us wish to be dead.

Now that just sounds morbid. . .