Is there any answer?

This afternoon I was fine, I don't know if it was the run I went on in my study or the time spent in the weights room, or the Kahlua I had with my afternoon tea, what ever it was I was feeling all right. I wish I knew which one, if one it was. I didn't mind that I was missing Canoe Polo, something that has sadly been the highlight of my week for the past few weeks due to dislocating my finger on Friday playing goalie in an indoor football competition. Or that there was no 2ND XI football for me cause the council closed all of the public grounds. I was alright with that.

Is there any answer that will shut it out? Sure I could drink a lot, but that's just stupid. I can't run forever, I barely survived the run I did this morning in study. I can't sleep forever, I can't even get to sleep when I jump into bed it takes me hours at the moment. I don't want to feel like this, I want to be happy again. Recently I've heard a from a few people that they consider me a smiley person ,or at least they did when I used to see them often. I wish it was true, cause smiles mean happy don't they? What can I do to get happy?
I'm not even sure what things make me happy at the moment, I just do things because I committed to them. I'm trying to do things that should make me happy. I keep falling into my own trap that I built myself years ago. Now I'm suffering for it. Its a bit of a honey trap though, and I do seem to love this honey!

Pain makes u feel alive, it also makes us wish to be dead.

Now that just sounds morbid. . .