Everyday

Everyday I make up my mind to do certain things and they never happen.
I regularly, daily even make up my mind to go to bed at a reasonable hour tonight. That rarely happens.
I make up my mind to go for a run, nope that never happens either. I make up my mind to start doing at least one set of sit ups and push ups. Nope no way does that happen.
I make up my mind to do my homework, to study for the exam. Well this doesn't happen at all, and then in the exam I'm sitting there dying and feeling miserable because I know I had the time to learn the content. How I'm to lazy, I should be add up to more than this.
I make up my mind to do something about the misery and loneliness, this I decide can weight, or at least be postponed by worrying about all the other things I should be doing, well could be doing. Of course I'll probably just procrastinate. Waste my time, and continue to waste my life.
I know the solution to everything, It is get the hell of my ass and do something. It doesn't happen. Another day passes and nothing extraordinary happens. No memories are made, not lasting ones anyway. I'm to comfortable in this self inflicted misery. I used to wish for a natural disaster to make everything more exciting. It worked for a while, but I don't know if I will be lucky enough for another one to distract me. Perhaps a smaller scale disaster?
Perhaps not.
On Friday at the movies when I was watching Tomorrow When the War began I was thinking the whole time WOW. What an adventure. Not OMG there family, pets, friends, country has been taken over, they must be terrified. No I thought, that would be such an adventure. A perfect distraction from everything else. . .

Didn't feel any guilt.

I have come to the conclusion that I am deluded. I have been living in a dream world for a long time now. Its taken me a while to realise, and I'm still not really coming to terms with it, but every things changed. It's time for me to admit that and stop living in a fantasy land, nothing happens the way you expect it to, and I can be as optimistic as I want, be prepared for the best when really I should prepare for the worst. Things will not happen as I want, hints will not be understood, crazy dreams of everything being fixed. The whole boy at the airport or flying around the world to talk to the girl he left and realised he loved, tween romance cliche. I must except the change, move on, grow up.

I used to be terrified of change, the truth was is I was to happy being safe. I didn't want to try new things, meet new people. I was Sam, a safe little boy, I thought safe was good, it was fine, boring. I hated being boring, but it was bare able because I was safe, as long as I was boring there was very little that could hurt me. I was safe in a very small world, my world is still small, and safe but I do strongly believe that this has to change. In my safe world I experienced little, few things that are worth repeating, no adventures. Safe is the old me, the scared me.

My life has been littered with incidences lately where I have planned to do something, something huge, and something has come and blocked my path. An example of this was when I was 100% sure about doing something that was completely new and terrified me, would have involved me doing something that could of potentially hurt some people or myself. He closed the door for a while, giving me time to reflect on it more before I try to do it. Its funny when I think about it. God has a sence of humour, he mixes things around, and forces you to choose new paths. One example is when that a few times in the last week i have gone to make one decision like yes this is what I will do, and immediately after I have committed myself something else arises. Its quite funny for me, he's getting me to do things I was to scared to do. Like next week I'm meeting with my pastor to talk about me taking sunday school for 8-10 year olds, which was something that I had wanted to do but had made lame excuses for not volinteerting. I guess you could call it a Jona situation.

Ever head the expression rules are made to be broken? I do not live by that phrase, its time I believe. I have my morals, I hope they wont break they're strong enough I hope. Today I recognise that my safe world its over, I must enter the real world.

Some rules are made to be broken some are to be bent. Life isn't fare and people get hurt, but its all the way the world works. It's time to become a more exciting person. I am going to be making some changes. No more living in my own world. If you want to help me escape, invite me to experience your world, I want to be more open, adventurous. Help me to expand my world.

When im in the pit, Im going punch and kick!

Thanks for not moshing.
Well I'm a bit confused at the moment, i just came back from a leaders meeting. I had planned a blog out in my head before hand. Some stuff has happened in the life of one leader, and my personal friend and he doesnt think that our church is the right place for him right now. So thats sort of made my mind think, i didnt agree with his reasons. Its sad though, I'l miss not seeing him on sundays.

Also him leaving kinda makes me the oldest 'young person' at church and i alreadt feel sort of a sort of outsider cause im a bit older than the other young Ilam-ites.

Another totally unrelated thing to all this thats sort of messing with my mind, is how wierd everyone around me is acting, some people are just argh; I want to PUNCH there lights out some times!!! Cause the comments they make, or how they suddenly act, or the petty things they do (maybe i read in to much but if my idea is right man are they pathetic). I hate little people. . . And other people have acted weird today and they'v just been strange today. I must talk to them and try and piece together whats up in there mind!

Across the Universe

Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup they slip a while they pass the slip away across the universe,
Pools of sorrow, waves of joy, adrifting through my open mind, pocessing and curessing me.

[Jai Guru Deva]

Nothings gonna change my world,
Nothings gonna change my world,

Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes they call me on and on across the universe,
Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letterbox they tumble blindly as they make there way across the universe,

Nothings gonna change my world,
Nothings gonna change my world,
Nothings gonna change my world,
Nothings gonna change my world,
Nothings gonna change my world,
Nothings gonna change my world,
Nothings gonna change my world,
Nothings gonna change my world,

[Jai Guru Deva]
[Jai Guru Deva]
[Jai Guru Deva]

Enjoy the Silence.

ARGHHHH!!!! I dont know, School! Argh its soooo boring! I thought Yah! Friends in my classes. . . It seems everyone feels like me. . . And Just is meh! The people I thought would want to sit with me just plain dont. I dont know why! I dont know how long I can cope! Its all so boring!!! I'm finding subjects hard, like english, People using words to discribe things that I have never heard before!!! Its REDICULOUS!!! and why's it all about Love?!?!

Also, I dont feel very energised at the moment. I just feel so drained, all the time. It sucks, I eat food and that doesnt help. I do things and they dont help! Its like a drained, starving yet not hungry, tired, and bored sort of feeling. My stomuch feels like its knotted all the time, like something bads going to happen. I sometimes dont even want to get out of bed, I dont think i can deal with everything. . . It's to much. I dont feel like im close to anyone really. Well thats a lie, I kind of do. I dont feel like they have time for me anymore. That they want to have that time. Should I need them too?

School is sosososososo boring at the moment. . . Iv been back for two days and i just want to explode in some classes. Would it be pathetic to have a mental health day after only two days back?

I know I'm not physically ill or anything. Cause somethings make me happy, feel normal. Thats whats wrong. I dont feel normal. I dont really feel anything. . . Well I feel somethings. Im not sure if i should feel those things though. Not allowed to... Those feelings arent wanted. Im desperate for something to make everything seem better... What should I do?I dont want to be at home, but I dont know who will do anything with me? If they'll want to! Home's boring. . . All there is MYYEARBOOK, FACEBOOK, BEBO, and MSN. Theres nothing really exciting. Theres they drums but I never feel motivated to go practise or play. They're just something else to do. . . They dont enthrill or inspire. . . I have books to read, sure they're interesting. Mainly I read them cause the people who lent me them want them back. They're not bad books or anything. They're great books! They're just very heavy. . . Involve alot of thought, effort. Thinking, and processing Idea's. I Like them I truely do though. . . What ever happened to happy endings though? And Why are they always at the end? Why cant something good happen at the start of one of the books?

I have goals. I have aims. Im not sure what the motives of them are. Is it for myself? Is it for someone else? Is it to impress someone? Im not sure.

Man I hate cats!!! Why cant they just leave me alone!?!?! AAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Christmas dinner?!

Hello there peoples, and persons!

Well today was apparently christmas dinner. Its weird cause its not even december yet. But we still had a christmas dinner. With all the cousins that like in chch and Nana. It was mildly not boring. It meant i had to get up by like 12 though. When my cousins started to arrive!

We played Halo2 and ate food. That was that not at all entirely exciting at all! But what is? Everythings just painful and slow, and boring.

Well this was a pointlessly stupid entry. . .

Yes quite.

What the hell is going on?!

Im so confused. Why is everything so confusing? I feel something on day, the next day its just worse. I can't stop feeling the way i do. Im not a switch.

Lol I just got that song in my head

"I'll be the switch she turns on, She'll be mine too, I'll get off, I'll be the fuse that she blows, And

even with the lights out we'll glow"

Anyway, it sucks this feeling, i dont know what to do. I know what i want. The problem is its all dependent. I can't really do anything to change the outcome. This grizzling and moaning wont help me though. So il stop.

"Smile for a while and lets be Jolly, Life shouldnt be so meloncholy"

SO!!!

How was you day? I had Bob and Jacob come over and stay the only problem with the plan that we'd study was the study part. We stayed up late and watched Amazing Grace and Donny Darko. Well i didnt watch Donny Darko, i dont really enjoy that movie its got to many little storylines in it, but the over all story is far to WTF!?! Amazing Grace was a cool movie though. I enjoyed it. William Wilberforce felt all these horrible emotions and it was interesting, and understandable.

You know what i like about my blog? I can use as many "and"s in my sentence and know one can stop me! Muhuhahaha and and and and and and and anyway!

It was a good movie, we had a lack of fizzy and chips though. . . So we wont be getting fat. xD We sleept in til like 10.30 which was bad for Bob who's been await being quiet for 3hours by the time i awoke! :P I woke up and he was busy stuying! Lol he probly did more study than any of us in that 3hrs even though he confessed he probly only spent half that time studying (translation 30mins :P )

After breaky and stuff we went to study! And me being such a good boy was on Myyearbook and Bob asked me what i was studying so i truthfully awnsered Linda, a random i was looking at the profile of because id agreed with a comment she'd made on a mag so i had to Hi-5 her! Well that was probly the highlight of my day. . . Man im boring! Well i guessing studying doesnt do much good to the exciting-ness!

"They say that absence makes the heart grow founder, but i doubt it, I really doubt it."

Last exam tomorrow! So then i'l be free!!! So that will be sweet as! :) Il be able to do what ever i

like! And these holidays im gonna try and be a real social bunny i do believe! So if your reading this and I know who you are! Lets do something! lets make these holidays EPIC!